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American stars Billy Crudup and Claire Danes star in the latest costume drama. Set in 16th century England, "Stage Beauty" has all the markings of a prestige art house film: beautiful gowns, roomy castles, English accents, rowdy peasants, Shakespeare recitations, clever banter, and rousing theme music. Pretty to look at and well-acted, the film is an utter failure: the plot is entirely implausible, the end anachronistic and, even worse, positively offensive.

At a time when women were not allowed on stage, Edward 'Ned' Kynaston (Crudup) is England's most celebrated leading lady. A consummate actress, Ned is obsessed with his performance as Desdemona, unable to perfect his death scene. He rehearses after hours with his mousy maid, Maria (Danes), unaware that the plain girl: 1) loves him with all her heart and 2) wants to act. When Sir Charles II decides to let women to take the stage, Maria is at the ready, her lines memorized, her luscious blond wig in place. In addition to her thespian ambitions, the former dresser is bitter and broken hearted, for she has seen Ned romantically kissing a man (Ben Chaplin.)

Claire Danes, lovely to look at and competently English, is no glowing Gwyneth Paltrow (who won her Oscar playing an English actress in "Shakespeare in Love.") And beautiful as he is, Billy Crudup is far too tall and muscular to be a convincing woman.

It is no freak accident that Ned acts in women's parts. At an early age, he was selected by an acting teacher because of his unnatural beauty and his feminine ways.

Ned is more comfortable as a woman; he is, of course, a homosexual. When the times change, he is encouraged to embrace the new climate. "Act as a man," Maria beseeches him. Unfortunately, he cannot. A broken actress, Ned begins to drink. He performs at a vaudeville show, dressed as a woman, mischievously showing off his private parts to a rowdy crowd.

Fear not. Maria saves him. She nurses him to health, and then, she takes him to bed. His wholehearted compliance seems more than a little odd, given his clear preference for men (and also the fact that Maria has knowingly destroyed his life.) By the film's end, a miracle has taken place. Ned's voice mysteriously deepens. Before our very eyes, Ned becomes a straight man. The problem is: this is the twentieth century and we know homosexuality cannot and should not be cured.