Divorce is a distressing time and when children are involved it is even more so.
Many parents try to protect their children from the worst of the fallout, but it is not always possible.
Divorce, when there are children to consider, has special legal and financial implications; custody, access, overheads and maintenance are the most obvious areas, but there are many others.
Here are some ways to help you personally get back on your feet with your children: - Consider counselling and hypnotherapy.
Divorce brings with it hurt and distress.
Many people feel anger towards their ex partner.
The things that were said and done can cause simmering resentments and it can be difficult to protect the children from being aware of those issues.
Damaging the relationship your children have towards their non-custodial parent is unfair.
Counselling and hypnotherapy can help you deal with your personal issues, accept responsibility for your part in the divorce, reconcile to your ex's behaviour and become better able to move forward from the relationship.
That way the children can build their own relationship with both parents, independent of their parent's attitudes towards each other.
- Establishing a new home can be difficult especially at first.
Often the marital home has to be let go and both parents have to start again.
The custodial parent may want to stay where they are; school, friends and family may be valid reasons to stay in the area.
At first one option may be to live with family.
They can provide support, childcare and help with finances until things settle down.
Once a more permanent home is found it can be a good decision to involve older children.
Perhaps let them choose the decor in their own rooms or contribute ideas and help.
A family unit is then established quicker, with everyone included.
- Mother is usually the parent who is awarded custody of the children.
Initially she may feel like her whole life has been ripped apart.
She may need to find a job to supplement her maintenance, may need to establish a new home, consider where the future lies.
It is important to take time before making major decisions, like relocating and starting anew.
When the choices seriously impact on children's lives it is important to be clear as to the implications of the next step.
Also as a single mother personal time can become a rarity.
Friends, social life and quiet time can become non-existent as the ultimate responsibility for the children is hers.
Finding ways to alternate childcare, entertain at home and be more creative can enable some personal time to be introduced.
- The non-custodial parent is usually the father.
He may be required to earn more money in order to fund his family and personal obligations.
Access is sometimes difficult to arrange as he may travel distances for work, keep longer hours.
Children can feel hurt, abandoned and neglected and it is not unusual for them to refuse to see their father for a time.
Perseverance is the key to getting this relationship back on its feet.
Even if your children are angry and refuse to see you keep sending cards, birthday presents, messages of love and support.
Honour your financial responsibilities and be true to your commitments.
It may take months or even years but usually the relationship gets back on its feet eventually.
Children, as they get older and understand more about adult relationships, often start to appreciate both sides of the story.
- Discipline and behaviour can be a minefield at first with both parents trying to rebuild trust and a good connection with their children.
Children may be unsettled and behave badly or side with one parent out of a desire to demonstrate loyalty.
One way to get the relationship back on its feet is for both parents to agree not to discuss each other's shortcomings, to agree about discipline, diet, bedtime, treats, and to communicate regularly about the children's after school activities, parents evenings, school trips, so that they can co-parent effectively.
An intermediary may help smooth the transition.
Grandparents may be in a position to provide continuity and consistency as well as a supportive, stable presence for the children.