For decades, scientists have searched for the answers to why people divorce.
Early studies found that many marriages ended around years 7-10.
These early divorces were characterized by high conflict.
Hence, you may have heard of the "7-Year Itch" for marital problems and divorce.
While this is an important finding, it's not terribly enlightening because it makes sense that marriages end because of conflict.
However, these early findings led early marriage enrichment efforts down the wrong path.
Early marriage enrichment and counseling theories focused on reducing conflict and improving communication.
It makes sense.
If conflict kills marriage, removing or reducing conflict should save marriage.
EXCEPT...
these approaches DO NOT work for 75% of couples.
If you don't get anything else out of this article, PLEASE understand that focusing on conflict and communication FIRST most likely WILL NOT save your marriage.
Worse...
it may actually do more harm than good.
Thankfully, the story does not end here.
Dr.
John Gottman, a prominent marital researcher, discovered a really interesting anomaly in longitudinal studies of successful and divorced couples.
He found evidence that, in addition to the "7-Year Itch" couples, another large group of couples divorce around years 14 - 20.
The reason these marriages ended: a lack of positive connection 5-7 years earlier.
Even worse, they didn't report "serious" problems...
they reported that the good and the bad in their marriage were about the SAME.
In other words, their marriage was "OK", but it was NOT EXTREME! On the other hand, successful marriages reported 5 times more positive connection than negativity.
Therefore, Successful Marriages MUST BE EXTREME! When you look at both types of couples and divorces, a pattern emerges.
Instead of conflict killing the marriage, it is merely a symptom of a deeper problem.
Instead of better communication improving the marriage, you realize that something deeper is required.
What is the missing piece of the puzzle? In a word: connection.
Couples divorce because of a supreme lack of connection.
Conflict is merely a symptom of a broken connection.
Lack of communication is a symptom of lack of connection.
Affairs are a symptom of a lack of connection.
Perpetual gridlock over the same issues is a symptom of lack of connection.
It makes me so sad to realize that, whether divorcing couples go out fighting or literally just drift apart, it's usually unnecessary.
Their marriage could have been saved with two simple interventions: 1) Recognizing disconnection 2) Repairing connection.
You may be thinking: does this mean I just ignore our communication and conflict issues? Absolutely not! BUT...
DO NOT try to fix these issues UNTIL you repair your connection.
Once you repair your connection, it's much easier to improve communication and reduce conflict.
In fact, repairing your connection will multiply the impact of everything you do for your marriage.
Love doesn't have to end fighting to the bitter end.
Love doesn't have to slowly and gradually die over the course of years.
You can bullet-proof your marriage by understanding how to protect and repair your connection.