Do you feel resentful because of ALL you do?What's wrong with your sister, brother, spouse, or friend anyway? Don't they see how much you give? UNDERSTANDING RESENTMENT Standing alone, resentment is a signal that deserves your attention.
It's telling you that too much of your energy is being compromised, or some part of your relationship is off balance.
If you're feeling resentful, it's likely because you're over-delivering.
You've set few or no boundaries with your giving.
Even with good intentions, it's easy to create a habit of doing or giving outside of your comfort zone.
Most of us harbor our resentful feelings.
We mumble to ourselves how much we hate doing this and that, and that we feel unappreciated, etc.
But, do you ever mumble, "When I feel enough resentment, I'll feel better.
" Probably not! Resentful feelings don't work that way.
Think of your relationship like a garden.
A garden requires lots of intention, time, and effort to get started.
It takes patience and love to grow.
It requires hours and days of maintenance.
You've planted seeds to create a relationship that suits you.
Now, what happens if your flowers don't grow in a particular corner of your garden? You keep watering that corner, but it's just not growing.
Why get fed-up with the whole garden? Instead of learning more about gardening, you begin to resent the time and effort you placed into it.
Consequently, you plant the weed of resentment in the corner that's not performing.
Resentment spreads fast, and casts a shadow over the whole garden.
Now the entire garden seems flawed.
The angrier you feel, the more miracle-grow you dump in that corner.
Unresolved resentment ignores the beautiful side of your relationship garden, which cannot grow without light and love.
It fades the sweet smell of roses you nurtured in your relationship.
While most of your garden was growing healthfully, a few seeds of resentment damaged the whole masterpiece.
HOW TO MANAGE RESENTMENT You may think that resentful feelings will lift only when the other person changes.
But, this is the same as waiting for the weed to stop growing.
You may be thinking: If THEY would actually acknowledge you...
If THEY would show some gratitude...
If those darn weeds would just change into roses...
The problem with the "THEY" focus is that it requires the other person to change, not you.
Even more, you actively planted the resentment weed.
So, how long are you going fume in the frustration that you created? How much longer will you feed your resentment with miracle-grow? Here's a basic rule for any healthy relationship: you have NO control to change others.
You may be able to influence others, but there's no guarantee they'll be influenced the way you intended.
So where does this leave you? What are you supposed to do with all this built-up resentment? Well, you simply can't plant a new garden on top of it.
You've got to unearth those weeds, and plant new seeds.
Here's the great news.
Because it's your feeling, you can change it.
You can change how you feel, you can change the circumstances in which you give, and you can set new boundaries.
Here are 7 steps to release that feeling of being "used," and start enjoying the perks of your relationship again.
7 STEPS TO HALT RESENTMENT 1.
When resentment rises in you, acknowledge it.
That resentful feeling is coming up for a reason.
There's something re-occurring in this relationship that's not working for you.
Be honest with yourself.
2.
Acknowledge that continuing to feel resentment will only hurt you.
When the feeling arises again, ask yourself, "Is this strengthening me or weakening me?" Remember, your resentful feelings belong to you.
Letting go of resentment is your job, not the other person's.
3.
Think how you would like to see things change.
This doesn't mean you can't continue to help out.
It just means that something's gotta give...
and you've already given too much.
So, brainstorm to find a solution you can live with.
4.
Now, set some boundaries.
Decide in advance what and how much you are willing to do.
If someone wants an answer right away, say "I don't know.
I'll have to get back to you.
" This response creates time and space to set boundaries.
Don't give an answer until you're ready to be clear about your boundaries.
5.
If fear stops you from speaking-up, ask yourself, "what's the alternative?"Surely, you don't want resentment taking hold again.
Then, address your feelings from a calm and loving place.
Discussing your feelings doesn't have to be negative.
You can choose to be clear and loving at the same time.
6.
Learn to use the word "No.
"No isn't mean.
It doesn't mean you don't care.
It just means that you are making a choice, which we all have the right to do.
7.
Don't let guilt win you over.
Guilt is a weakening emotion, just like resentment.
Guilt adds another negative layer that can delay your assertiveness, and consequently intensify the resentment you're trying to release.
If you feel guilty, don't surrender to it.
Make a strengthening decision by setting boundaries anyway, and you'll quickly put guilt in its place..
..
outside of you! Resentment won't go away by feeling it more.
Truly, continuing to feel resentful is like dumping miracle-grow on the emotion.
You have the power to change your existence, decide to move forward, and create healthy alternatives.