Self Help Relationship Advice - Don" t Look To Apportion Blame
This relationship advice article looks at situations when communicating and negotiating are all right but you still have a problem.
Supposing you have read the self help books on relationship and gone through all the exercises, but still have a problem within the relationship. It may not be enough to communicate and negotiate well: you may need to look at other aspects of the relationship, including the boundaries between you and the boundaries around you as a couple. In this article we will look at other ways of helping couples with problems when the simpler approaches do not seem to work.
How to avoid unnecessary labeling
One reason why communicating and negotiating might not work is that you may have located the problem in one partner rather than in the relationship. Many couples have problems that they seem to blame on only one partner. It's often an arbitrary choice whether to think of a problem as consisting of one partner's 'bad behavior' or whether it may be more productive to label the problem as arising from a relationship difficulty between the partners.
The advantage of calling it a couple relationship problem is that it becomes possible for both partners to change their behavior, in order to make the problem more bearable, rather than one partner having to do all the work, with the other acting as the judge of whether he/she has been successful.
Sometimes, of course, one person's behavior seems so bizarre or irresponsible to their partner that the partner labels them as suffering from a behavioral problem, or even thinks they should have a psychiatric diagnosis. This may of course be right, but I will wait till a future article for describing some of the ways that true psychological and psychiatric problems affect the couple.
However, wherever possible, it is better in my view, to treat most of these 'individual' problems by modifying the relationship.
Exclusivity versus openness
The more open partner might label the more secretive one as being pathologically shy or even paranoid, while the more secretive one might say the other is flirtatious or a gossip.
Neither description is very helpful, because the assumption is that the partner who applies the label is completely 'normal' and has no need to change, whereas the labeled partner must mend their ways.
A better solution is for the couple to discuss how to achieve a compromise position on the question of openness, which may not be ideal for either of them, but which may be tolerated by both.
Pessimism versus optimism
This is another difference that may be escalated into a label of abnormal behavior. The pessimistic partner may feel that the optimistic one is irresponsible and far too trusting of people and systems. The optimist may feel that the pessimist is depressed or pathologically anxious, and dismiss their concerns as neurotic.
Actually, they both have valid points of view, in that one is seeing life as a glass that is half empty while the other perceives it as a glass that is half full. The couple should reach a compromise, looking at those issues which divide them and either dividing the responsibilities between them or deciding on a jointly agreed course of action which does not offend either partner.
Control versus laissez-faire
Some couples have a difference over how much they should be involved with each other's life, decision making and activities. The more controlling partner may again feel that the more easygoing one is irresponsible and needs to be helped to make sensible decisions, while the more easygoing one may resent the intrusiveness of the controlling partner.
It could be seen as the controlling partner trespassing over the other one's personal boundary. This issue is perhaps more difficult for the couple to work out than the preceding ones, because again it is possible to make a case for labeling both the controlling behavior and the easygoing behavior as pathological. However, it should be possible to reach a compromise, which may have to be a different one for each specific situation that demands decisions to be made.
Supposing you have read the self help books on relationship and gone through all the exercises, but still have a problem within the relationship. It may not be enough to communicate and negotiate well: you may need to look at other aspects of the relationship, including the boundaries between you and the boundaries around you as a couple. In this article we will look at other ways of helping couples with problems when the simpler approaches do not seem to work.
How to avoid unnecessary labeling
One reason why communicating and negotiating might not work is that you may have located the problem in one partner rather than in the relationship. Many couples have problems that they seem to blame on only one partner. It's often an arbitrary choice whether to think of a problem as consisting of one partner's 'bad behavior' or whether it may be more productive to label the problem as arising from a relationship difficulty between the partners.
The advantage of calling it a couple relationship problem is that it becomes possible for both partners to change their behavior, in order to make the problem more bearable, rather than one partner having to do all the work, with the other acting as the judge of whether he/she has been successful.
Sometimes, of course, one person's behavior seems so bizarre or irresponsible to their partner that the partner labels them as suffering from a behavioral problem, or even thinks they should have a psychiatric diagnosis. This may of course be right, but I will wait till a future article for describing some of the ways that true psychological and psychiatric problems affect the couple.
However, wherever possible, it is better in my view, to treat most of these 'individual' problems by modifying the relationship.
Exclusivity versus openness
The more open partner might label the more secretive one as being pathologically shy or even paranoid, while the more secretive one might say the other is flirtatious or a gossip.
Neither description is very helpful, because the assumption is that the partner who applies the label is completely 'normal' and has no need to change, whereas the labeled partner must mend their ways.
A better solution is for the couple to discuss how to achieve a compromise position on the question of openness, which may not be ideal for either of them, but which may be tolerated by both.
Pessimism versus optimism
This is another difference that may be escalated into a label of abnormal behavior. The pessimistic partner may feel that the optimistic one is irresponsible and far too trusting of people and systems. The optimist may feel that the pessimist is depressed or pathologically anxious, and dismiss their concerns as neurotic.
Actually, they both have valid points of view, in that one is seeing life as a glass that is half empty while the other perceives it as a glass that is half full. The couple should reach a compromise, looking at those issues which divide them and either dividing the responsibilities between them or deciding on a jointly agreed course of action which does not offend either partner.
Control versus laissez-faire
Some couples have a difference over how much they should be involved with each other's life, decision making and activities. The more controlling partner may again feel that the more easygoing one is irresponsible and needs to be helped to make sensible decisions, while the more easygoing one may resent the intrusiveness of the controlling partner.
It could be seen as the controlling partner trespassing over the other one's personal boundary. This issue is perhaps more difficult for the couple to work out than the preceding ones, because again it is possible to make a case for labeling both the controlling behavior and the easygoing behavior as pathological. However, it should be possible to reach a compromise, which may have to be a different one for each specific situation that demands decisions to be made.
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