You're making a conscious effort to be more and more mindful lately.
You're noticing what's going on in the present moment.
You're paying closer attention to your partner and his/her cues.
Perhaps you are even making gentle observations about your partner's behavior and asking him/her about it.
Being mindful can really go a long way towards changing old habits in your marriage.
But what's next? What do you do when your spouse is showing signs of upset on the outside AND tells you they are upset on the inside? And what if his/her upset or anger is about you?? You may have been hoping your partner wasn't angry with you.
Most of us want to sidestep conflict.
It's uncomfortable.
Angry people are scary on some level.
But nonetheless, your partner is angry with you.
When this happens, do you typically:

• turn the conversation around to something you're angry at him/her about instead?
• change the subject to something neutral in an attempt to avoid the anger?
• step into the victim role by agreeing or being self-deprecating?
• verbally attack your partner until you are both yelling?

You know that none of these approaches will bring a good outcome.
What can you do to cool the fire in your partner instead of inflaming it? It's easier than you might think.
All you have to do is really listen to his/her concerns.
That's right, just listen.
Even if you don't agree, you can still hear your partner's point of view.
How do you ensure that you don't become a victim or an attacker in this situation? You certainly shouldn't jump in or respond with your own comments! Instead, simply repeat back what your partner said.
"What I heard you say was you're upset with me about...
Did I get it?" By repeating back what your partner says, you are letting your spouse know that you want to know what's going on inside him/her.
You are showing that you care.
In effect, you are saying, "You can tell me when you are upset with me.
We can handle this together.
It's best to get this out in the open, in a calm way, so it doesn't fester and grow.
Anger can show up in any relationship and we can deal with it.
" There is, however, one caveat: do not repeat back things your partner says when he/she is abusive.
You should not repeat name-calling or attempts to shame you.
And you need to get yourself to safety if your partner is physically or sexually abusive.
In this article, we're talking about how to handle your partner's anger that is under control, not abusive anger.
So, in typical cases where your partner is angry but in control, your job is to:

• listen to your partner
• remember that listening doesn't mean agreeing
• repeat back what your partner said (even when you don't agree)
• check with her/him that you "got it"
• ask, "How can we make this better?"

When an angry person is listened to, they often calm down.
They want love and connection, but are doing a poor job of asking for it! Knowing this will go a long way toward helping you stay calm and able to care for (and calm) your spouse when he/she is upset.