Essential Marriage Saving Advice: Distinguish Between Deed and Doer
In taking a positive view it is helpful to learn to distinguish between people and things, between the deed and the doer. Jesus told us to hate the sin while continuing to love the sinner. Whatever a person has said or done to offend us, we can still value that person as a fellow human being and thereby accept his or her weaknesses and mistakes. In other words, we can reject the behaviour, but not the person. Nobody is perfect, and it is only when we have learned to distinguish between the person and his or her behaviour that we can truly love our neighbour -- as we would wish to be loved, despite our shortcomings, ourselves.
It is perfectly possible, moreover, that the person who has offended us may turn over a new leaf: if we are wise, we will wait patiently for this to happen, without ourselves closing any possible channels of communication by acting on impulse. It is also possible that we have misunderstood a person or situation, and separating the deed and doer protects the relationship and allows problems to be sorted out in time. Many people suffer through their own ignorance; we must educate them. Others are like children and need to be guided towards maturity. It is our responsibility to help and teach in this way, but in doing so we must beware of feeling superior. Good deeds done in a spirit of condescension and self-satisfaction are not good at all.
This positive attitude is optimistic as well as benevolent, because positive people are hopeful people who look on the bright side of life. Pessimism, on the other hand, by its focus on the negative, sets up a vicious circle: believing that something bad will happen is the surest way of seeing that it comes about. People who live in dread of failure, illness or misfortune are the most likely to fail, fall ill or suffer hardships. Many rationalize their pessimism by saying, 'If I am a pessimist, I can never be disappointed; in fact, I will be only too pleased to be proved right. And if by chance something good happens, then I won't be disappointed to be proved wrong but will simply enjoy it more.'
Optimists, on the other hand, experience greater happiness and approach life with more courage, their efforts unhindered by fear of failure or misfortune. Moreover, they have already seen through the psychological trick of deciding not to feel disappointed, and have at their disposal other tools than the pessimist's one of having to be right.
Optimism, then, is not only more appropriate - it is a necessity if we are to develop our true potential and lead a full and productive life. Since there are no negative forces actively working against us, the future will be whatever our own courage and intelligence, resourcefulness and faith can make of it.
How, my heart, can you lose hope, when even the thorns bear roses?
Ludwig Uhland (poet)
It is perfectly possible, moreover, that the person who has offended us may turn over a new leaf: if we are wise, we will wait patiently for this to happen, without ourselves closing any possible channels of communication by acting on impulse. It is also possible that we have misunderstood a person or situation, and separating the deed and doer protects the relationship and allows problems to be sorted out in time. Many people suffer through their own ignorance; we must educate them. Others are like children and need to be guided towards maturity. It is our responsibility to help and teach in this way, but in doing so we must beware of feeling superior. Good deeds done in a spirit of condescension and self-satisfaction are not good at all.
This positive attitude is optimistic as well as benevolent, because positive people are hopeful people who look on the bright side of life. Pessimism, on the other hand, by its focus on the negative, sets up a vicious circle: believing that something bad will happen is the surest way of seeing that it comes about. People who live in dread of failure, illness or misfortune are the most likely to fail, fall ill or suffer hardships. Many rationalize their pessimism by saying, 'If I am a pessimist, I can never be disappointed; in fact, I will be only too pleased to be proved right. And if by chance something good happens, then I won't be disappointed to be proved wrong but will simply enjoy it more.'
Optimists, on the other hand, experience greater happiness and approach life with more courage, their efforts unhindered by fear of failure or misfortune. Moreover, they have already seen through the psychological trick of deciding not to feel disappointed, and have at their disposal other tools than the pessimist's one of having to be right.
Optimism, then, is not only more appropriate - it is a necessity if we are to develop our true potential and lead a full and productive life. Since there are no negative forces actively working against us, the future will be whatever our own courage and intelligence, resourcefulness and faith can make of it.
How, my heart, can you lose hope, when even the thorns bear roses?
Ludwig Uhland (poet)
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