Preparing for divorce occurs earlier than we might think.
The decision to end a relationship can be very traumatic.
It is usually not easily arrived at, and doesn't just come up over night.
It is often chaotic and filled with contradictory emotions.
In addition, there are specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is initiator or the receiver of the decision to dissolve the relationship.
For the person who is the one first preparing for divorce, it isn't unusual to feel the mixed emotions of fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt and guilt.
The person who did not initiate the divorce may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self-esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to "get even", and wishes for reconciliation.
There are typical emotional stages which have been identified with ending a relationship.
Divorce is usually the culmination of numerous factors rather than one isolated incident.
The emotional process of breaking up typically extends over a period of several years.
Although the parties may be in the same physical space, or stage of the legal process, they are usually in different stages of the emotional process at any given time.
Six stages of divorce can be identified: 1) Disillusionment of one party.
This typically occurs over 1-2 years before this is shared with the other party.
It is common to feel a greater distance from the spouse, to fantasize about divorce and the pros and cons.
There are often genuine problems within the relationship which may not be acknowledged.
2) Expressing dissatisfaction.
This usually occurs over an 8-12 month period before beginning a legal process.
Marital counseling may be attempted, and is more likely to be successful at this stage than later.
There may be relief that it is out in the open, but also tension, guilt, grief, doubt.
3) Deciding to divorce.
This spans from 6-12 months before beginning the legal process.
Once a person gets to this emotional stage, it is seldom reversible.
But, this is usually when the other partner is just entering stage one, and so that party feels denial, depression, rejection, low self-esteem and anger.
Both parties may feel victimized by the other.
4) Acting on the decision to divorce - or beginning the actual legal process.
Now the divorce becomes public.
Legal advice is sought (from attorneys or researching alternative methods).
The tone for the divorce is set here.
The children may just be finding out.
Children often feel responsible for the break-up.
Friends and extended family members may feel pressure to choose sides.
There will be divided loyalties.
This is often physical separation and an increasing emotional separation.
5) Growing acceptance, occurring during the legal process or after.
This is a period of physical and emotional adjustments.
It is a period of accepting that the marriage wasn't happy or fulfilling.
This acceptance period varies widely, even between each party of the same marriage.
It is a period of regaining a sense of power and control over one's own life and creating a new plan for the future.
This is the best time to be in mediation.
Both parties can look forward and plan for their future.
6) New beginnings, occurring from the completion of the legal divorce process to perhaps four years after.
Both parties move beyond the blame and anger and hopefully come to forgiveness, new respect, and new roles in their lives.
If there were children of the marriage, this includes new roles in the restructured family.
Hopefully, there is insight gained that may serve well in moving on to new relationships.
Much of the healing from divorce will involve acceptance, a focus on the future, taking responsibility for their own actions (now and during the marriage), and acting with integrity.