How to Deal with a Miscarriage in Your Marriage
TELLING OTHERS
Some couples lose the baby early on and never tell anyone they were expecting or that they had a miscarriage. Others want to share the news of their loss just as they did the news of the pregnancy. They find it comforting to surround themselves with the support of family and friends.
If you are going to tell people about your miscarriage or loss, there are ways you can make it easier on yourselves.
The two of you can ask a trusted friend or relative, such as one of your moms, to inform others, so you're not constantly reliving the experience, says Coons. You could also send a brief e-mail, she adds. If you'd rather be alone but still have to tell people, she suggests leaving a message on your answering machine that says, "Thanks for your phone call. We're resting now and when we feel up to it, we'll get back to you."
Some people need the company. In that case, you should make sure those who visit are friends and family who don't expect to be entertained, says Coons. They should be those closest to you, who are willing to take care of you, she adds. Women who've had miscarriages agree. "I say take care of yourself and do what you feel you can handle," writes Young.
Going back to work might make for a great distraction, even if your concentration isn't quite there yet, says Coons. But colleagues will want to share their condolences, which could make that first day back even more challenging, especially for those who've experienced late pregnancy or neonatal loss.
To soften the blow, Coons suggests going to work for a social visit ahead of your official return to get all talk of your loss out of the way.
MEETING BASIC NEEDS
Often, women discover they've lost their baby before they actually complete the miscarriage. Doctors explain their early pregnancy loss and options; they might give them the choice of miscarrying naturally on their own or a Dilation and Curettage (D and C), a minor surgical procedure to remove whatever is left from the pregnancy. Sometimes, women end up having to do both. For later losses, many women have actually gone through labor.
Everyone will have to keep in mind that women, even those who've had first trimester miscarriages, are going through major changes. What many don't realize is that a natural miscarriage is a physically traumatizing experience. "It would have been nice to know beforehand that miscarrying is very painful physically as well as emotionally," writes Cohen. "I had significantly less pain from the D and Cs than from the natural miscarriage."
Your body needs to heal no matter what your exact circumstance. Even though you might be sad, you must force yourself to eat something and do what you can to sleep. You should talk to your doctor if you're having trouble meeting those basic needs. Husbands and boyfriends must step in if sadness is overwhelming you to the point that you can't take care of yourself. (You can get more information on whether your depression requires professional help at "How To Decide Whether to See a Mental Health Professional After Your Miscarriage.")
Once you're physically better, you should determine what might lift your spirits - a weekend away, immersing yourself in a project, going to a nice restaurant. These activities won't take away the pain, but they will provide a lovely distraction. At best, they'll take your mind off the miscarriage for a little while. "I planted a garden to represent the gift of life I had," writes Nancy Beck, a nurse who had four miscarriages and has two children. "I love my garden and it brings me peace. I love to watch the changes of the seasons with different flowers blooming throughout the year, the life of the garden, and the animals, and insects who come to enjoy the space."
Some couples lose the baby early on and never tell anyone they were expecting or that they had a miscarriage. Others want to share the news of their loss just as they did the news of the pregnancy. They find it comforting to surround themselves with the support of family and friends.
If you are going to tell people about your miscarriage or loss, there are ways you can make it easier on yourselves.
The two of you can ask a trusted friend or relative, such as one of your moms, to inform others, so you're not constantly reliving the experience, says Coons. You could also send a brief e-mail, she adds. If you'd rather be alone but still have to tell people, she suggests leaving a message on your answering machine that says, "Thanks for your phone call. We're resting now and when we feel up to it, we'll get back to you."
Some people need the company. In that case, you should make sure those who visit are friends and family who don't expect to be entertained, says Coons. They should be those closest to you, who are willing to take care of you, she adds. Women who've had miscarriages agree. "I say take care of yourself and do what you feel you can handle," writes Young.
Going back to work might make for a great distraction, even if your concentration isn't quite there yet, says Coons. But colleagues will want to share their condolences, which could make that first day back even more challenging, especially for those who've experienced late pregnancy or neonatal loss.
To soften the blow, Coons suggests going to work for a social visit ahead of your official return to get all talk of your loss out of the way.
MEETING BASIC NEEDS
Often, women discover they've lost their baby before they actually complete the miscarriage. Doctors explain their early pregnancy loss and options; they might give them the choice of miscarrying naturally on their own or a Dilation and Curettage (D and C), a minor surgical procedure to remove whatever is left from the pregnancy. Sometimes, women end up having to do both. For later losses, many women have actually gone through labor.
Everyone will have to keep in mind that women, even those who've had first trimester miscarriages, are going through major changes. What many don't realize is that a natural miscarriage is a physically traumatizing experience. "It would have been nice to know beforehand that miscarrying is very painful physically as well as emotionally," writes Cohen. "I had significantly less pain from the D and Cs than from the natural miscarriage."
Your body needs to heal no matter what your exact circumstance. Even though you might be sad, you must force yourself to eat something and do what you can to sleep. You should talk to your doctor if you're having trouble meeting those basic needs. Husbands and boyfriends must step in if sadness is overwhelming you to the point that you can't take care of yourself. (You can get more information on whether your depression requires professional help at "How To Decide Whether to See a Mental Health Professional After Your Miscarriage.")
Once you're physically better, you should determine what might lift your spirits - a weekend away, immersing yourself in a project, going to a nice restaurant. These activities won't take away the pain, but they will provide a lovely distraction. At best, they'll take your mind off the miscarriage for a little while. "I planted a garden to represent the gift of life I had," writes Nancy Beck, a nurse who had four miscarriages and has two children. "I love my garden and it brings me peace. I love to watch the changes of the seasons with different flowers blooming throughout the year, the life of the garden, and the animals, and insects who come to enjoy the space."
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