The Art of Saving Your Marriage - How Will You Respond?
"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it".
- David Starr Jordan
The subject of marriage and especially divorce is extremely subjective, and covers such a broad range of sub-topics and unique circumstances, that it seems futile to address them all - as if they can be defined under one comprehensive label. Having said this, I believe that we can benefit from the understanding of how behavior - which is influenced by emotion - affects the (external) experience we live. There are elements or components common to all of us that can be observed, understood, and modified. This is an effort to clarify our understanding of these elements - and how assuming control over them - can result in improving our responses to impulses and events more effectively.
There is an endless supply of available content, and potential content, on the subject of divorce. My efforts are to publish some of the most obvious, with some of the not so obvious, but useful content. My perspective is mostly psychological, as it is the most useful in communicating observations - and provides a context so that we can better understand behaviors and the motivations that support them. The phrase: "It takes two", holds true, though I believe that all progress begins within the individual, and that you alone can produce significant change through simple awareness of the ongoing process of personal growth and maturation. Throughout our day to day challenges and responsibilities we tend to confuse real issues and distort what is genuine and true, and usually unintentionally. The goal to save marriage, is different for each couple, thus the term "art" of saving marriage so applies - as it will require a combination of creativity and discipline - creative discipline?
Understanding what is meant by 'the truth' means digging up our roots so to speak - to reveal the true nature of our emotions, along with what influences them (motives). Over time and through cumulative experience - the past, our history, memories, internalized and repressed feelings create trauma - (the gunk) that builds up and blocks (taints) our once pure and genuine (innate) nature. Spontaneous expressions and verbal outbursts of emotion are reactionary impulses, or more accurately, reflexes in response to external events, input or stimulus. Reactions that are impulsive are not thought out, contemplated, or controlled - and rarely convey our true feelings and intentions accurately. Reactions are characterized by past experiences, memories of hurt, pain and discomfort, fear - all forms of internalized trauma that are associated with and remembered when events or stimuli trigger them - even years after their original occurance. This is how trauma works. Over time - it can be modified or even reversed.
The alternative (to reaction) is response. A response as opposed to a reaction or reflex. In a way, a response is a conscious and calculated version of a reaction. An intentional and more thought out, and reasonable action in response to a given impulse or event. A reflex is without control whereas a response is a deliberate, conscious, even educated approach to unforeseen events, remarks, spilled milk? or whatever of many things that elicit the reactions that are typically the first to come out.
When you begin to understand the difference between a reaction and a response - you are effectively removing that gunk - letting your true nature resurface again. The truth will more likely be reflected in a response. (The reaction didn't have time to consider the facts - whereas a response would surely be on top of it.) A reaction remembers an event, the place, the conditions, and feelings surrounding it, and acts accordingly. It is conditioned and triggered by an experience similar to that which created it in the first place. Present circumstances that apparently remind us of something that may have occurred long ago, and are likely out of context, we still associate with - either sub-consciously or even unconsciously. Events occur that our minds and bodies remember and associate with, and our emotions follow suit, and are also expressed accordingly.
Through learning to respond instead of remembering to react, you regain control of your emotions - and become less influenced by the conditioned responses you are most likely used to acting out. (The same can be applied to pain - as it too is a response buried deep in our subconscious - associated with behavior and events that are learned and remembered). As you acquire understanding of how and why you react or respond, and how it motivates behavior, you will become a more effective individual, and in turn a more effective partner - and improve your overall relationship (and possibly much more) in the process.
I hope that readers will find this stuff useful - or at least practical. This is especially useful among couples struggling in their relationships. If you can take a step back and think before you act (or react) you may find that you bypass unnecessary and insignificant confrontation. Even if one of you can accomplish this you are well on your way to being able to communicate constructively again. The idea is to ultimately absorb it, apply it to yourself first, and then to your personal relationship, and then to your relationship with the world we live in.
Our ability to express ourselves accurately, correlates with our ability to relate to people effectively. Combined with the ability to interpret each other truthfully, we get closer to achieving a working foundation with which to begin making meaningful progress in our relationships to everything. We have the capacity to modify our behavior for the better. It doesn't happen overnight, but in time we can realize the potential to redirect our emotions as well as our behavior, so that we can begin to heal ourselves - through relieving some of the tension we unknowingly create for ourselves. When we assume responsibility for our behavior - we realize that it can be used constructively as a tool for repair - as well as a weapon for destruction.
- David Starr Jordan
The subject of marriage and especially divorce is extremely subjective, and covers such a broad range of sub-topics and unique circumstances, that it seems futile to address them all - as if they can be defined under one comprehensive label. Having said this, I believe that we can benefit from the understanding of how behavior - which is influenced by emotion - affects the (external) experience we live. There are elements or components common to all of us that can be observed, understood, and modified. This is an effort to clarify our understanding of these elements - and how assuming control over them - can result in improving our responses to impulses and events more effectively.
There is an endless supply of available content, and potential content, on the subject of divorce. My efforts are to publish some of the most obvious, with some of the not so obvious, but useful content. My perspective is mostly psychological, as it is the most useful in communicating observations - and provides a context so that we can better understand behaviors and the motivations that support them. The phrase: "It takes two", holds true, though I believe that all progress begins within the individual, and that you alone can produce significant change through simple awareness of the ongoing process of personal growth and maturation. Throughout our day to day challenges and responsibilities we tend to confuse real issues and distort what is genuine and true, and usually unintentionally. The goal to save marriage, is different for each couple, thus the term "art" of saving marriage so applies - as it will require a combination of creativity and discipline - creative discipline?
Understanding what is meant by 'the truth' means digging up our roots so to speak - to reveal the true nature of our emotions, along with what influences them (motives). Over time and through cumulative experience - the past, our history, memories, internalized and repressed feelings create trauma - (the gunk) that builds up and blocks (taints) our once pure and genuine (innate) nature. Spontaneous expressions and verbal outbursts of emotion are reactionary impulses, or more accurately, reflexes in response to external events, input or stimulus. Reactions that are impulsive are not thought out, contemplated, or controlled - and rarely convey our true feelings and intentions accurately. Reactions are characterized by past experiences, memories of hurt, pain and discomfort, fear - all forms of internalized trauma that are associated with and remembered when events or stimuli trigger them - even years after their original occurance. This is how trauma works. Over time - it can be modified or even reversed.
The alternative (to reaction) is response. A response as opposed to a reaction or reflex. In a way, a response is a conscious and calculated version of a reaction. An intentional and more thought out, and reasonable action in response to a given impulse or event. A reflex is without control whereas a response is a deliberate, conscious, even educated approach to unforeseen events, remarks, spilled milk? or whatever of many things that elicit the reactions that are typically the first to come out.
When you begin to understand the difference between a reaction and a response - you are effectively removing that gunk - letting your true nature resurface again. The truth will more likely be reflected in a response. (The reaction didn't have time to consider the facts - whereas a response would surely be on top of it.) A reaction remembers an event, the place, the conditions, and feelings surrounding it, and acts accordingly. It is conditioned and triggered by an experience similar to that which created it in the first place. Present circumstances that apparently remind us of something that may have occurred long ago, and are likely out of context, we still associate with - either sub-consciously or even unconsciously. Events occur that our minds and bodies remember and associate with, and our emotions follow suit, and are also expressed accordingly.
Through learning to respond instead of remembering to react, you regain control of your emotions - and become less influenced by the conditioned responses you are most likely used to acting out. (The same can be applied to pain - as it too is a response buried deep in our subconscious - associated with behavior and events that are learned and remembered). As you acquire understanding of how and why you react or respond, and how it motivates behavior, you will become a more effective individual, and in turn a more effective partner - and improve your overall relationship (and possibly much more) in the process.
I hope that readers will find this stuff useful - or at least practical. This is especially useful among couples struggling in their relationships. If you can take a step back and think before you act (or react) you may find that you bypass unnecessary and insignificant confrontation. Even if one of you can accomplish this you are well on your way to being able to communicate constructively again. The idea is to ultimately absorb it, apply it to yourself first, and then to your personal relationship, and then to your relationship with the world we live in.
Our ability to express ourselves accurately, correlates with our ability to relate to people effectively. Combined with the ability to interpret each other truthfully, we get closer to achieving a working foundation with which to begin making meaningful progress in our relationships to everything. We have the capacity to modify our behavior for the better. It doesn't happen overnight, but in time we can realize the potential to redirect our emotions as well as our behavior, so that we can begin to heal ourselves - through relieving some of the tension we unknowingly create for ourselves. When we assume responsibility for our behavior - we realize that it can be used constructively as a tool for repair - as well as a weapon for destruction.
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