More and more newly divorced ladies come to my practice looking for help and some insight about what is happening to their social life.
Short after divorcing, all the wonderful girlfriends that were supportive and even acted as counsellors during their rupture and previous to it, suddenly become unavailable.
How come? What has changed now that makes them run away and hide? Many women wonder if they have done something wrong to scare them away.
Inexplicably, when a guy divorces, all his friends (ladies included) come to "rescue" him.
They organize blind dates, drinks, look for any possible matching single friend, invite them over for lunch, etc...
Just to make sure "he is OK".
On the other hand, many women have the feeling of being somehow set apart.
It feels awkward to visit friends from their "old couple's time", since their ex is still pretty much around and close to them and the friends "really don't want to be in the middle or choose sides".
Many of their girlfriends, in particular married ones, avoid them or see them as little as possible.
But, what has changed? To start with, and after long research and surveys; what has changed is the fact that divorcees are now "another available free woman".
Pretty scary eh? Married (and probably insecure), women could feel nervous about having their 'fragile' friend around their husbands, specially if these women feel their newly divorcee friend (or their own husbands) could be tempted into an easy affair.
On these surveys I also found, as strange as it might sound, that women feel nervous about being around a newly divorcee because makes them feel at risk -it could happen to them as well-.
Having a fresh divorcee around makes all so close and and real; very much alive.
It goes like this: the divorcee friend talks about her bad experience and all the things that went behind her back while married; the girlfriend becomes suspicious about all what her own husband/partner is doing -because it could be her case too-.
She has arguments with her husband/partner, who feels she is taking someone else's guilt.
Trouble starts because of the girlfriend's paranoia and the fault falls on...
the divorcee friend, of course.
So, rather than taking a step back and avoiding conflicts within their homes -finally this is not her case in any way- the girlfriend wear a magnifying lens checking on every single detail of her couple, only to later blame it on...
the divorcee friend...
again! Friends' divorce could indirectly affect your marriage if you allow it to, but not per se.
It is not a virus, it is circumstantial and not linked to your own life.
Also, be assured of something, if you are the divorcee friend, it is not your fault, even if at the moment it feels like it.
Single girlfriends are a different case, they could be either very open and supportive (in particular those who have already experienced divorce) or, those who are looking for a companion could sense you as a competitor.
Being perfectly honest, the "Quest for the right man" market is already very competitive, so why adding one more brick to the wall? The bright side is that this feeling is temporal, as soon as you get back on being yourself; independent, self standing, bright, funny, interesting, beautiful, active, etc...
a whole new world of opportunities will open for you.
New friends will come, old friends will stop being paranoid and some others...
well...
will just vanish without much harm.
Be proactive, dare to step out of your comfort zone and try new things.
Join a sport club, learn a new skill, follow old dreams, get a new look and tell yourself there is a whole new world awaiting for someone just like you.
This is just the beginning of a new adventure.
One good thing about divorce is that it shows people the real face of those with whom you have shared your life, and I am not talking just about your ex.