Forgiving someone after they have cheated on you is a lot to ask by almost anyone's standards.  There are so many things to over come –  from restoring the trust, to identifying the things that lead up to the cheating and working through them, and then creating something that has you wanting to look forward rather than looking back.  Between initially finding out about the affair and healing, there is likely a lot of struggles and bad days, but some people are able to forgive and move on and some are not.  I'll discuss why some folks do have success and find their marriages healthier than ever in the following article.

Evaluating Whether He Is Forgivable And Is Able To Be Rehabilitated After Being Unfaithful:  It may sound weird to say that there are different degrees and levels of cheating, but I honestly believe that there are.  If someone is a repetitive cheater, this will put them in a different category than someone who just had one encounter and then never saw that person again.  A long term affair that had an emotional attachment is going to be, at least for some, harder to forgive than cheating that was never really a close relationship.

A person who cheated, who admitted it, and is deeply sorry and takes full responsibility is going to be easier to forgive than someone who blames you for the affair and doesn't really seem all that remorseful.  A spouse who is willing to do whatever it takes including having patience, being honest, and walking with you as you heal scores more points than one who implies that you should just "get over it." 

A cheater who is able to be rehabilitated will be willing to do the self work necessary to determine what lead up to this behavior, fix it, and then place safe guards in place to ensure that it doesn't happen again.  They'll resist being defensive because they know that it's their actions that have made this necessary in the first place.

Weighing Whether He Was Good To You Before You Before He Was Unfaithful :  Often, you will need to weigh the whole history of the relationship against this one bad instance.  Often, you need to allow some time to pass before you are able to do this.  You are going to need some distance and some rationality in order to be able to tread here and this often just requires some time.  You can't allow anyone to rush you through this (including yourself.)

You'll typically either find that the relationship in it's entirety was a good one and this seemed to come out of left field.  Other times, you'll find that the cheating is just one thing in a whole string of not so desirable things about your relationship. Again, someone who has a positive history is going to be more likely to be forgiven than someone who has always caused you pain. 

In my own situation, it took a couple of months for me to reach the point where I was able to weigh all of these things.  In the end, I was able to remember how my husband worked while I stayed home with our children, how he was there for me when my grandfather passed away, how he often offered to stay with the kids so that I could have time for myself, how we really and honestly had a good marriage before one awful thing derailed it.  I decided that the good things did count for something and that they mattered.  That's not to say that I didn't struggle at times. I certainly did, but I was eventually able to consider both the good and the bad.

Are You Willing To Create Something Better?:  It's much easier to forgive cheating if your marriage emerges better and stronger in the end.  When you are truly happy and secure, you don't need to dwell on and cling to the past.  In order to get to this place, you must do the work necessary to make this a reality and you must be open to the fact that not only can you get through this, but it is entirely possibly that you will come out better off on the other side. 

Open yourself up to the possibility that you can use this as the motivation to examine the things about your marriage (and about yourself) that were holding you back.  There are things that all of us ignore and silently hope that it will just go away or that we are magnifying it's significance.  Right now, you have a unique opportunity to shine a harsh light on these things.  It may be awful bright and uncomfortable at first, but it will likely be beneficial and worth it in the end.  Often the person who cheated is so sorry that they are willing to do things that wouldn't have other wise done and you, because the fear of losing what you've worked so hard to build is in jeopardy, will often come to be willing to fight for what's yours.  But, if you can't believe that these things are possible (at least eventually,) you're going to have a harder time with forgiving and healing.

I know that working through the aftermath of an affair and forgiveness is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.