Moving With Children
Cindy was 16 and the vice president of her junior class in high school when her father announced that he had accepted a new job in a city about 90 minutes away and that the family would be moving. While her parents were excited about the new challenge, Cindy and her two younger brothers were at the other extreme. "Can't I just move in with a friend's family until I graduate?" she pleaded. Younger brother Tyler was worried about letting his baseball team down.
And the youngest, in 4th grade, was more concerned about who his new teacher would be.
Uprooting a family and moving to a new neighborhood is a significant time of transition. Moving with children is perhaps one of the biggest challenges of a family move. Parents often think about selling the home, finding a new place to live, the logistics of the move, finding new doctors and the like, but too frequently we forget the impact the move will have on the chidlren.
There are many things fathers can do in planning and preparing for a family move that will help kids adapt better and faster and help overcome so many of their anxieties.
Our family has moved about every 5-8 years, so our children feel a bit like nomads. Lots of their friends have never moved even once that they can remember. So, from our own experiences and from those of other dads who have successfully moved the family, here are some key tips and ideas of making the move a better experience.
Keep a positive attitude. Children sense the mood of their parents quite well, and if you and your partner are anxious or negative, they will reflect that emotion.
If you stay upbeat and excited about the change, they are more likely to share that emotion as well.
Involve the kids in planning. Start with a series of family meetings where you can discuss various aspects of the move. You can work on the timeline, teach the kids how to keep the home "realtor proof" if you are selling your home, talk about what you will be looking for in a new place, and come up with a packing strategy. The more involvement they have, the more they will feel a part of things.
Take them house hunting. Figure out at what stage you want to involve the kids in picking a new place to live. In our case, we narrowed the search down to three or four homes and then brought the kids along to get their opinion. Obviously, they had differences of opinion but fortunatly, the home we ended up purchasing was a consensus opinion.
Be willing to make some changes in the new place. If the kids can help with designing the home and particularly their room, it will reflect their personalities. A fresh coat of paint and some new shelves in a bedroom can be a small investment in terms of helping the children feel excited.
Check out the new neighborood. Once you have a place selected, prospect out the neighborhood. Find schools, parks, grocery stores, libraries, playgrounds and other important landmarks. The more the kids have a vision of the place to which they are moving, the less apprehensive and anxious they will be.
Make last visits before the move. Kids can get a bit nostalgic about their old neighborhood. Make one last run to their favorite park, library and fast food place before you leave.
Make goodbyes easier. Some dads I know have held a moving party for the kids' friends the weekend before a move. Saying goodbye one-on-one can be more difficult that a big party where everyone is having fun and they leave in small groups. Help the kids remember that it is a "see you later" kind of goodbye, rather than an absolute farewell. And with email and social media, friendships don't have to totally evaporate with a move.
Keep routines as routine as possible. Children like structure and predictability, so try to keep the regular routine before, during and after the move. Having an anchor in routines and rituals allows room for some uncertainty without a lot of pain.
Watch for warning signs. For some children, the anxiety of a move can get ovewhelming despite our best efforts. If you see a child withdraw from making new friends, have trouble sleeping, or have poor school results, you may want to consider visiting with a family therapist.
Making sure that your move with the children works out well is worth a lot of thought, planning and preparation. The transition will go better if you are sensitive to their needs, if you keep them involved, and if you keep consistent with the things that can be consistent.
And the youngest, in 4th grade, was more concerned about who his new teacher would be.
Uprooting a family and moving to a new neighborhood is a significant time of transition. Moving with children is perhaps one of the biggest challenges of a family move. Parents often think about selling the home, finding a new place to live, the logistics of the move, finding new doctors and the like, but too frequently we forget the impact the move will have on the chidlren.
There are many things fathers can do in planning and preparing for a family move that will help kids adapt better and faster and help overcome so many of their anxieties.
Our family has moved about every 5-8 years, so our children feel a bit like nomads. Lots of their friends have never moved even once that they can remember. So, from our own experiences and from those of other dads who have successfully moved the family, here are some key tips and ideas of making the move a better experience.
Keep a positive attitude. Children sense the mood of their parents quite well, and if you and your partner are anxious or negative, they will reflect that emotion.
If you stay upbeat and excited about the change, they are more likely to share that emotion as well.
Involve the kids in planning. Start with a series of family meetings where you can discuss various aspects of the move. You can work on the timeline, teach the kids how to keep the home "realtor proof" if you are selling your home, talk about what you will be looking for in a new place, and come up with a packing strategy. The more involvement they have, the more they will feel a part of things.
Take them house hunting. Figure out at what stage you want to involve the kids in picking a new place to live. In our case, we narrowed the search down to three or four homes and then brought the kids along to get their opinion. Obviously, they had differences of opinion but fortunatly, the home we ended up purchasing was a consensus opinion.
Be willing to make some changes in the new place. If the kids can help with designing the home and particularly their room, it will reflect their personalities. A fresh coat of paint and some new shelves in a bedroom can be a small investment in terms of helping the children feel excited.
Check out the new neighborood. Once you have a place selected, prospect out the neighborhood. Find schools, parks, grocery stores, libraries, playgrounds and other important landmarks. The more the kids have a vision of the place to which they are moving, the less apprehensive and anxious they will be.
Make last visits before the move. Kids can get a bit nostalgic about their old neighborhood. Make one last run to their favorite park, library and fast food place before you leave.
Make goodbyes easier. Some dads I know have held a moving party for the kids' friends the weekend before a move. Saying goodbye one-on-one can be more difficult that a big party where everyone is having fun and they leave in small groups. Help the kids remember that it is a "see you later" kind of goodbye, rather than an absolute farewell. And with email and social media, friendships don't have to totally evaporate with a move.
Keep routines as routine as possible. Children like structure and predictability, so try to keep the regular routine before, during and after the move. Having an anchor in routines and rituals allows room for some uncertainty without a lot of pain.
Watch for warning signs. For some children, the anxiety of a move can get ovewhelming despite our best efforts. If you see a child withdraw from making new friends, have trouble sleeping, or have poor school results, you may want to consider visiting with a family therapist.
Making sure that your move with the children works out well is worth a lot of thought, planning and preparation. The transition will go better if you are sensitive to their needs, if you keep them involved, and if you keep consistent with the things that can be consistent.
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