See Also:
• Funny Convention Pictures
• Best Democratic Convention Quotes
• Barack Obama Jokes
• Latest Late-Night Jokes

"A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, President Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that's he's now only five points behind Bill Clinton." –Seth Meyers

"A new poll shows that President Obama has expended his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention.

Of course, it didn't help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention." –Jimmy Fallon

"Both conventions are over, and if you watched, I think it's pretty clear who should be the next president of the United States – Bill Clinton. He was unbelievable. According to Democrats, he won the election for Obama, he helped the cowboys beat the Giants, and he even had time to go to Hooters afterward." –Jay Leno

"The conventions are so different. The Democrats finally look like a real political party; the Republicans look like a seminar for how to flip real estate for Jesus." -Bill Maher

The Democratic convention looked like the America I see when I walk down the street. The Republican convention looked like 'Antiques Roadshow.'" -Bill Maher

"Did you see that Bill Clinton speech? One by one he picked apart and destroyed every claim of the Romney-Ryan campaign. In fact, today Todd Akin said it qualified as a legitimate rape." –Bill Maher

"The Democratic Convention had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall.

They worked all day on it and they still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow." –Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old you could see the ground below them. Today Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's first helicopter." –Conan O'Brien

"The Democrats are going all out to top last week's Republican Convention. In fact, I heard they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch." –Jimmy Fallon

"The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama." –Jay Leno

"The Republican Convention ended on Thursday. The Democratic Convention began last night. In between was a travel day for hookers." –David Letterman

"Bill Clinton will be at the Democratic convention. Say what you will, but Clinton is still polling very well." -David Letterman

"When you look at the two conventions, the speeches at the Democratic convention were just better. Go back and watch Mitt Romney. After seeing Michele Obama speak, and Bill Clinton speak, and the president speak, it's like watching an armless guy paint with his ass." –Bill Maher

"Last night in his speech President Obama invoked FDR. Then he saw the unemployment numbers and invoked WTF." –Jay Leno

"It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions." –Jay Leno

"When it came to 'hope' and 'change' President Obama told the crowd, 'You were the change.' And then the crowd said, 'Hey don't blame us. You were supposed to be the change! I just voted. Why is it my fault?'" –Jay Leno

"It really was a dream night for Bill Clinton – Democrats in love with him, hanging on his every word, Hillary was in China 10,000 miles away. We don't even know if she saw the speech. In fact, someone said to her today, 'Did you catch Bill in Charlotte?' And he said, 'Who's Charlotte?'" –Bill Maher

"Everyone is still talking about Bill Clinton's speech last night in Charlotte. It was a remarkable speech, 45 minutes long and 6,000 words. Like the political version of the guitar solo from 'Freebird.'" –Craig Ferguson

"At the Democratic National Convention, two of the speakers were identical twin brothers, Joaquin and Julian Castro. Apparently promising identical twins was the only way to get Bill Clinton to show up. Man, was he disappointed." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's speech was moved from the Bank of America stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena. They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of homeowners in the past four years." –Jay Leno

"In a related story, Vice President Joe Biden's speech also was moved to a smaller venue – the back room at Denny's, the booth in the corner." –Jay Leno

"In her speech, First Lady Michelle Obama said her husband has dinner with his girls where they strategize about middle school relationship. Which explains why today the Pentagon ordered a drone strike on that lying bitch Ashley." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that one of the surprise speakers at the Democratic convention is going to be Scarlett Johansson. For her speech, she'll be talking to an empty chair and telling it, 'Hey, my eyes are up here!" –Conan O'Brien

"Did you all hear Al Gore speak at the Democratic convention? He said, 'Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!'" –Jay Leno

"A fun fact: At this year's Democratic convention, eight percent of the delegates are gay, a historic record. This will be the first time a presidential candidate will be nominated by a show of jazz hands." –Conan O'Brien

"First lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed. Even Fox News called it 'not the worst.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4." –Jimmy Fallon

"In his speech last night, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro said that Mitt Romney has no idea how good he's had it. I don't think that's true. I think Mitt Romney knows how good he's had it. He just doesn't want us to know how good he's had it." –Jay Leno

"They announced today that they are moving President Obama's speech tomorrow night indoors, from the 74,000-seat stadium to a smaller venue due to the possibility of severe weather. See, apparently the campaign is concerned about this well-known weather phenomenon known as empty seats." –Jay Leno

"If you're a donor to President Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden – and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tomorrow night. And he'll also be at the convention." –David Letterman

"What a different four years makes. At the last Democratic Convention the theme was 'hope and change' this time it’s 'hope you don’t make a change.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday sometime between 2 and 4." –Jimmy Fallon

"The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks." –Jay Leno

"Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience." –Craig Ferguson

"I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn't his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he's given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you're looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?" –Craig Ferguson

"There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, 'Eh, it's OK.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it's Mitt Romney's dog." –Jay Leno

"The Democrats are getting ready for their convention in north Carolina. Or as they told Joe Biden, South Carolina." –Jay Leno

"Two California Democratic delegates have already been kicked out of convention for getting completely drunk. One passed out, the other was accused of impersonating a member of Congress. They knew he wasn't a real member of Congress because he was buying his own drinks with his money." –Jay Leno

"It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started." –Jay Leno

Read jokes about the Republican convention...

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