When you're writing an article, and you're not sure how to begin, it usually helps to start by talking about how you were assigned the article.
Take this one, for example.
I'm only doing this because Morris said "Please write something humorous.
" Of course, I was more than happy to try - but what did he want me to write about? "Anything.
" So I start this article in that tried-and-true method: making it clear that it's the editor's fault if it doesn't work.
Unfortunately, as Morris knows, nobody falls for that one.
So I just have to find something useful to talk about.
This is, of course, a good opportunity to talk about any number of world issues, from global warming to kids who eat too much junk food.
But no, that's too depressing.
This is supposed to be humorous.
How about politics? No, too depressing.
Celebrities? No, too...
depressing.
Giraffes? Actually, I find giraffes EXTREMELY funny, but as nobody agrees with me, I won't mention them.
Quickly, I rush to the newspaper, to see what those humour columnists seem to write about.
The silliness of politicians, mainly.
And celebrities.
(Very few of them write about giraffes.
I could only count four or five columns about giraffes, which is a shame, because they were all hilarious.
) Otherwise, their favourite subject seems to be the silly behaviour of their children.
Yes, kids are truly amusing.
In fact, I'm seeing so many columns about funny children that I wonder if these people actually KNOW anybody else.
Is having kids a prerequisite of a newspaper job? All I can say is that, if they're making so much money out of discussing their children, they'd better leave a generous inheritance.
I don't have any kids, which leaves with me nothing to write about - and if a writer is not inspired by anything, his work might be readable, but it won't exactly be Shakespeare.
A pity, because I get a lot of emails from aspiring writers saying, "Mark, how can I be the new Shakespeare?" (Actually, nobody's ever asked me that, but they really should.
) Well, I'm glad you asked (even though you didn't).
As far as I can tell, there are five things that Shakespeare did to achieve his greatness: 1.
Invent a bunch of new words.
Remember when your mother scolded you for saying nonsense words? You can point out to her that Shakespeare himself invented countless words, from "academe" to "zany" (and he even invented "countless").
This must have really confused people in Elizabethan England, but probably made them think he was really smart.
So if you want to impress people, you can say "Greetings, I'd like to zamzibunk my pastiforene indackle, but corun with immungunous and extra mayonnaise.
" Before long, you will be mingling in the highest literary circles.
2.
Don't tell anyone who you are.
At last count, most people in Elizabethan England (from the Queen down) have been credited as the "true" author of Shakespeare's plays.
From what I can tell, the logic of scholars is that very little is known about Shakespeare, so he was probably too dumb to write his own plays.
In fact, Shakespeare was so dumb that some people reckon that it was actually Christopher Marlowe who wrote most of the plays - even though Marlowe was dead.
One thing for sure: Shakespeare is a far more enigmatic celebrity than, say, Nicole Kidman.
There was NO magazine coverage of his wedding, and nobody even knows who designed his clothes.
3.
Steal all of your stories.
Or most of them, at least.
Shakespeare stole almost all of his plots from other people's books.
Of course, if Shakespeare was really Ben Jonson or Christopher Marlowe or Queen Elizabeth or Lawrence of Arabia this situation becomes even more obtuse.
4.
Don't give too many stage directions.
No, keep them to a minimum.
Let the actors work all that out for themselves.
Stage directions are for losers! 5.
Spend all your time at the pub.
Have you ever been to Stratford-on-Avon, Shakespeare's home town? It's a nice little hamlet, not too far from London.
Its main attraction (apart from the authentic postcards) is the large number of old-style pubs with signs saying "Shakespeare drank here.
" I'm not sure which one was his favourite place, but apparently he went to all of them - so no wonder the Queen, Christopher Marlowe and all those other people had to write his plays for him.
Shakespeare himself was too busy quaffing ale and singing boisterous folk songs with his drinking buddies.
Obviously, you probably need to do a few other things before you can truly be Shakespeare.
For a start, you'll need to legally change your name.
But otherwise, all of this might be a good start.
Hopefully, that has taught you how you can follow in the footsteps of the greatest writer in the English language (apart from Dr Seuss).
I suggest that you now take quill to paper (or use a pen - they work just as well) and start writing your masterpiece, with plenty of invented words and a great storyline.
And if you run out of ideas, hand the whole thing over to Christopher Marlowe.