Updated June 08, 2015.

We can all think of someone who could benefit from having more motivation. The need for motivation, of course, isn’t limited to those with diabetes. We all need new perspectives on how to live life. But those with type 1 diabetes face a particularly challenging task because they never get to take a break from their diabetes management. As a result, it is difficult to maintain a high level of motivation day after day.

But here is the problem: What some people intend as a motivational message often has the opposite effect.

Here are some examples.

• A father tries to motivate his son to check his bloodbefore he eats a snack by telling him he’s going to end up dying early if he doesn’t take his diabetes seriously.
• A wife threatens to call her husband’s doctor if he doesn’t get back on his diabetes meal plan.
• A doctor tells his patient that if he doesn’t lower his cholesterol within three months he could have a stroke.

In all three instances, the well-meaning intention is to motivate the person with diabetes to take better care of themselves. But most of the time, these approaches prompt more discouragement than positive action.

Here are three of the most common, but unhelpful, ways to motivate loved ones with diabetes and what you can do to avoid each one.

1. Motivation by Control

When you try to motivate someone by using control you are usually asking that person to comply with your wishes. It is common to use threats, deadlines and imposed goals when control is part of the motivating equation.

For example, a mother tells her daughter that she must count all of the carbohydrates for every meal and write them down in her log. Her mother tells her that if she fails to do this every day she will lose time on the computer. Now on the surface this might seem like a good way to motivate the daughter to be more aware of her food choices. But the daughter only has two real options:

She can comply with her mother’s wishes or she can refuse.

If she is compliant she will be in favor with her mother, but she may silently resent being told what to do. This approach might work for a brief time, but eventually it will turn into a power struggle between the daughter and mother. Why? Because it is all one-sided. The daughter doesn’t have any voice in the matter. Her mother simply expects her to comply with the rules that she has set up, and if she doesn’t then the mother will deliver the consequence. Instead of motivating her daughter to be more conscientious about her diabetes management, the mother has actually created an obstacle to real motivation.

Motivation builder

There’s a better way to motivate in this type of situation. The mother could start by saying that she believes carb counting is an extremely helpful method she would like her daughter to practice. Then, after explaining the method she could elicit her daughter’s ideas on how best to implement carb-counting into her eating routine. The daughter then is part of the solution; her ideas have been asked for, taken seriously and applied. She is now intrinsically motivated to accomplish what she has helped developed.

2. Motivation by comparison

Parents frequently rely on this type of motivation with their children as a way to jump-start certain behaviors. For example, a mother tells her teenage daughter that she ought to hang out more with the neighbor girl down the street, who also has diabetes, because her A1c test is consistently below 7%. The comparison is intended to inspire her daughter to learn what this girl is doing and improve her own diabetes management skills. But, instead of being motivated, the daughter feels discouraged.

Comparison usually creates a one-up, one-down scenario. In the example above, the neighbor girl is in the one-up or favorable position and the daughter is in the one-down or inferior position. This is not what the mother intended to communicate, but it is the easy conclusion to draw when you are on the receiving end of the comparison. Being in the one-down position almost always will diminish true motivation.

Motivation builder

Instead of comparing your child to someone else, try to bring out the uniqueness of your child’s qualities. Highlight what they are doing well in their diabetes management. Then ask them where they think they are doing well and also where they could improve or increase their knowledge. This keeps the emphasis on them and avoids the one-up, one-down perception.

3. Motivation by rewards

Using rewards initially seems like a good idea to instill motivation in someone. In fact, it’s one of the most common ways teachers, coaches, bosses and parents try to motivate those they work with. But most types of rewards don’t accomplish what is intended.

The most common type of reward is material: money or a gift of some kind. The problem with this type of reward is that once it is given, the person begins to expect more rewards to follow. They put a greater emphasis on getting the reward than on doing the activity itself. For example, Jimmy’s dad gave him a gift certificate to a local sporting goods store as a reward for his touchdown in last night’s game. Though nice, if this type of reward is given each time Jimmy performs well he will likely begin to expect it and perhaps even strive to perform better because of the reward that follows.

In other words, when a person receives a reward for doing something she previously was willing to do without a reward, it tends to reduce the motivation for the activity itself in favor of the reward.

Motivation builder

In contrast, rewards can be used to enhance motivation when they are not material and, instead, focus on praise, affirmation and recognition. These work best when you identify and affirm specific behaviors in that person. For example, Jimmy’s coach affirmed him after practice about how well he was managing his blood sugar because he did not allow himself to experience any low blood sugar reactions while on the field. This type of reward enhances intrinsic motivation by furthering the engagement with the activity itself while not fostering dependence on a material reward.