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How common is vaginism?

In Dutch research they found that one at every five women suffer from pain during intercourse. Vaginistic women will now sigh and think, thank God I don’t have that. Better be a virgin forever then suffering from pain for someone else’s pleasure. It is difficult to count the because the shame associated with vaginism is tremendous. Often nobody will ever know. But it is the third most common reason for people consulting a sexologist in Holland.

Do women who have vaginism get aroused?

Vaginistic women are often great lovers.

For them (us) sex has nothing to do with penetration. So as long as nobody demands penetration they can be very orgasmic, very sexy, in for everything that doesn’t include penetration. But with their sensitivity towards penetration maybe it is understandable that they can be rather lousy at penetration themselves. If you want to be penetrated by a vaginistic girl, you should really help her a lot by telling her how to do it, and how you like it. How deep, how slow, fast, how many fingers, give her instruction, command her, compliment her, don’t forget to keep a eye on her in case she gets too scared or starts crying. Keep the light on. She will get better at it, and try to enjoy sex also without making her penetrate you.

Can they have sex that is not penetration? Like oral sex?

If they are not totally obsessed with their own problem, which happens of course, they are the best of the best in bed. More experienced vaginistic woman can make you feel things by just touching your feet or your head-- skin you have never been aware of that you had it in you.

Somehow creative women are more vulnerable to becoming vaginistic and they find new ways to enjoy sex. Like this guy said to his former mistress after meeting her again after five years: “You were my best f**k ever." But they never f**ked.

Are they able to be sexual with their partners? I.e.: perform oral sex on their partners?

Oral sex and vaginism do not have much to do with each other. Some vaginistic women have a problem with going down on another women or enjoying it, some don’t. Just don’t try to put your tongue in her vagina, Stay around the entrance, the labia, the clitoris. Is anal sex possible for women with vaginism? No, only after the problem is solved. Again, stimulate the anus without inserting anything and don’t forget the nice tiny spot between the two openings.

Can women with vaginism masturbate or achieve orgasm?

Woman with vaginism will masturbate without inserting anything. They will just stimulate their clitoris. Sometimes they like to keep their underwear on and not touch themselves directly. Sometimes they use a vibrator but only outside and one that preferably doesn’t look much like a penis.

Is there a treatment for vaginism?

The best treatment is done by a specialized! sexologist, and of course reading and talking and doing your homework (meaning look at your vulva in a mirror, make a drawing of your vulva, try to actively close it and relax it three times a day 10 times in a row, like a little clenched fist, close and relax, close and relax). Do it at the bus stop, doing the dishes, ironing your clothes). It can be a wonderful experience to learn about your own vaginism, to have someone listen to you, asking the right questions, helping you.
You may feel like a ‘not normal’ woman, a mutant.You may feel unworthy living, you may think nobody will love you, everybody will leave you, the woman without a vagina. They can love and they will love. You can become 100 years suffering from vaginism. But you can learn a lot from the process of tackling the problem.

What should a partner of someone with vaginism be aware of?

First of all, never use the word “sex” when you mean “f**k.” If you ask your partner, "So you have never had sex in our life then?" She is going to look at you, hurt, and think about all her fantastic orgasms, all her many hours of kissing and caressing, and all the other dirty things she did, and she will think: oh, so that doesn’t count. She will walk out on you, probably.
Enjoy the sex and don’t feel rejected by her vaginism. Furthermore do not interpret. Don’t assume she has been sexually abused. Don’t assume she doesn’t love you enough. Don’t assume she has a sexual problem. If she has a problem it is likely to be a trust problem and this lousy reflex.

Anything else that I didn’t ask about that you think people should know.

If two lovers decide to try and solve the problem together, it will take time, maybe a year or so. Then maybe she’s ready for penetration. She has done the talking, the reading, the exercises. Ask her how. Does she want you to behave like a doctor asking, "Is this okay with you? Do you enjoy this?’" sshe leads you, she is responsible.) Or does she want you to say, "Lay down on your back because I am going to f**k you now. I want you, and I want you now." (You lead her, make her feel wanted, give her no responsibility). Or is it something in between, like a medical experiment. Put on your nurse costume. Don’t forget to laugh between the tears. Put on the music of her choice, have some candy or fruit available for her if she looses it, and keep talking to her, sweet talk, dirty talk, doctors talk, make fun of the therapist anything appropriate.