I ran into my friend Mary yesterday, and found her in the middle of a crisis.
Mary is 75 years old, and although she is active and relatively healthy for her years, she's had some fairly serious health issues these last few years.
But that hasn't stopped her from taking on caregiving her ex-husband! Perhaps it's because he's the father of her 3 children, who are dispersed across the US.
Or maybe it's knowing he has no one else nearby to care for him.
None of her children live near enough to help their father as he ages, encounters serious health issues and is being moved from home to home, as facilities are not able to meet his needs.
So that leaves Mary.
She looked exhausted, haggard and totally stressed! My first thought was...
"Mary, why doesn't he move to Texas, where your daughter lives, or to where one of your sons live? After all, he is their father.
Shouldn't they be taking care of him instead of you?"Mary's reply.
"Oh no, I don't want to burden my daughter or sons with this.
" How do we get caught up in this kind of thinking? Why is Mary willing to risk her own health to take care of an ex-husband?Hard to say, but it's oh so common.
Self Care Comes First Having gone through this myself, when my mother was ill, I realize the stress and how easy it is in the middle of everything that's going on, to forget to pay attention to yourself.
After all, didn't I get seriously ill within 6 months after she passed away? So I warn her...
"be careful Mary, you don't want to get sick like I did.
Then your kids will have two parents to worry about!".
It's easy to loose track of yourself, as you scramble to keep up with another person's life.
But no matter how important this person is to you, you must remember that if you get too stressed and fall ill, you become the recipient of care rather than the caregiver, and are no help to anyone.
It's OK to Put Yourself First A wonderful process in dealing with overwhelming situations is to prioritize.
First focus on taking care of yourself, then worry about taking care of others.
It makes sense that when you take care to protect your own energy, you have more left to give to others.
Caring ceases to be a good thing when it's at the expense of your own health.
If you find yourself in a major caregiving role and you're all alone, remember to reach out for some help.
Help comes in many forms: friends, family, pastors, churches and support groups.
Whatever you do, don't take it all on by yourself! Some of the ways you can minister to yourself and relieve some of the stress of caregiving, is to remember to make time to do the things that bring you joy and relaxation.
My friend Mary regularly attended an exercise class, and she loved it.
But over the 6 months since she'd taken on helping her ex-husband, she had not attended one class.
As a friend, I made her promise me she'd be at the very next class.
She was immediately less stressed once she agreed.
Warning Signs That You're Overdoing It...
Loss of energy or joy of life Emotional or physical exhaustion Depression Health problems Disturbed sleep - not enough or sleeping too much Changes of appetite - not eating or eating too much Marital problems Family problems Alcohol or drug abuse Neglect or abuse of the older person Strategies to Better Manage Stress 1.
Have realistic expectations 2.
Ask for help oget your family involved ofind support groups oconsult professionals 3.
Take are of yourself oTalk with someone about how you're feeling oMind your own health oPut aside time for yourself to do things you enjoy oEat nutritious meals oExercise regularly 4.
Keep up your social contacts Providing care for an elderly loved one can certainly be stressful, but there are ways to reduce the stress.
Becoming aware is the first step.
It's necessary to realize your situation and start paying attention to yourself and how well you're managing, before you can begin to do something about it.