The following article was submitted by a reader who wishes to remain anonymous.
I have been sitting in state Superior court now for 4 hours. As I wait with my attorney, we become more and more frustrated that the backlogged court, overworked judges and furlough of court clerks could turn a simple request like visiting your parents into a bizarre Orwellian nightmare.

It is December and it is a Monday – short calendar Monday – 15 minute mini-hearings for those divorcing couples who are able to reach an agreement and have the judge approve or intervene...

I am here because my husband will not let me travel to Arizona to visit my parents, the kids’ grandparents, for Christmas break.

To visit my parents is a herculean task of airport security, cranky children, collapsing strollers and 4-6 hours of flying depending on the weather. Hence, it takes a generous vacation break to coordinate the trip. However, I have been told (as per our court order apparently) that I am not allowed to get out of dodge with the kids this vacation break for fear they will be abducted by alien life forms…a.k.a. my parents.

On the way to court there were holiday jingles on the radio and my mind wandered to this unthinkable and bizarre thought – What if Santa was getting divorced and could not leave for Christmas and take the Reindeer . What would become of Christmas if he would be in contempt of court for taking the reindeer away from Mrs. Claus?

I can’t help myself and my daydreaming becomes entwined with the absurd circumstances of my case. Enter Mrs. Claus the Plaintiff who has filed for divorce from Santa after centuries of apparent emotional abuse and neglect.

When the Claus’ were married in the 1800s it seemed all was well in the North Pole and the honeymoon period lasted into the 20th century. However, too many cold winters alone together and demanding toy production schedules and they start to take each other for granted. While they have no children of their own, there are plenty of elves to offer unconditional love and don’t’ forget the issue of who will take custody of the 9 reindeer

Because the Claus vs. Claus divorce case is in the nascent stages of the divorce process (the first 90 days when you can change your mind) and it appears to be one of high conflict, the reindeer custody plan is not written yet. In fact, Mrs. Claus has filed a restraining order against Santa to keep him out of the house and away from the reindeer. Not for any apparent abuse per se, but that appears to be a good strategy when you are feeling spiteful during marital discord and divorce.

Because the court is so backlogged, Santa has to leave his home and wait the 14 days to get his day in court to have the order denied. There is no good evidence that Santa is dangerous, abusive or insane toward the reindeer, but the courts do not want to take a gamble – rightly so - and agree to subpoena Santa.

Santa is currently staying at the elves factory and trying to keep it together so he will not be stressed the week before Christmas. Meanwhile Mrs. Claus hides their family heirlooms and puts all her valuables in the safe deposit box at North Pole Bank and Trust.

Santa was referred to a matrimonial attorney by an old Dutch friend, but did not do his due diligence to find an attorney who helps to mediate divorces, not inflame them. Santa wanted an Abominable snowman attorney because that is what his good friend Bumble recommended.

Santa’s lawyer wants his Christmas presents up front as a retainer. He has spent years perfecting the judicial litigation abuse approach and counsels his client to not offer any financial statements during the discovery process. Santa’s lawyer refuses to discuss any aspect of the divorce proceedings and has figured out that he can earn more presents waiting in court for hours than agreeing with Mrs. Claus’ attorney over the phone and email.

So, every three weeks or so Santa and Mrs. Claus go to court and wait all day until the judge gives them 15 minutes and tells Santa he has another 3 weeks to get the paperwork in. But Santa’s attorney knows that Santa is distracted by the holiday season and will leave it up to him to stonewall the court and avoid any responsibility to provide the paperwork. It has been almost three months and no paperwork has been offered to Mrs. Claus.

Santa, once again too busy with Christmas preparations does not look for the paperwork and offers the excuse that Mrs. Claus has rifled through his files and has taken the papers. Mrs. Claus has done nothing of the sort and she is growing more concerned that Santa has hidden their funds in an offshore account in the Cayman Islands on last Christmas Eve. Santa was late getting back to the North Pole after delivering all the presents and apparently had a tan and a bank slip from the Cayman Island Monetary Authority.

Everyone has told Mrs. Claus that she will never find the money because Santa has probably set up a trust in someone else’s name like Blitzen, Rudolph’s father. She better get a job quick because the winter oil bills for the furnace are up this year,

Another Monday in Court and Santa is ordered to pay temporary alimony and keep his life insurance up. He claims he has never been paid in all his years and he can’t possibly be expected to offer alimony if he himself does not earn money.

Mrs. Claus is stuck because a court will rarely order someone to sell a home, or eat one if it is made of gingerbread - to provide funds during divorce proceedings. She also knows that after Christmas there will be no new jobs at the toy factory, so she considers working as a dental assistant for Hermey, the misfit elf. But in order to get to the isle of misfit toys to work with Hermey, she must find a caretaker for the reindeer.

It is a never ending cycle of seeking funds to provide care for the reindeer and needing to earn the funds for the care. There is no legal aid in the North Pole and pet care is hard to come by. Mrs. Claus calls her relatives in Holland and asks them to wire money to see her through the winter and pay her attorneys never ending retainer requests.

Billions of children will be waiting for Santa to arrive on Christmas Eve and have no idea that Christmas is being held hostage by the Superior Court. If Santa takes the reindeer, the court martial will grab him in some chimney and put him in jail.

Bumble warns him not to go out on Christmas Eve, to just be patient and wait for his day in court…..with the court backlog and abominable attorneys, it could be April before Santa and Mrs. Claus have a court date to discuss what to do with reindeer custody on Christmas Eve.