The Turkeys We Send To D.C.
This Guy's The Worst... But They're All Knuckleheads
by Michael D. Hume, M.S.
You've heard the old joke, the one they tell every year at this time: "Know why they aren't having Thanksgiving in (Chicago)? They sent the turkey to Washington!" Usually, the quip refers to the president - any president - but lately, all the elected federal officials from both parties have been particularly turkey-like.
If you follow the arguments they're all having these days (and why in the world would you do that?), you know the key point being made by both sides seems to boil down to "I know you are, but what am I?" This is a time-honored argument, of course, and it still works as well today as it did when these turkeys undoubtedly rolled it out on playgrounds nationwide (and in Indonesia) when they were, like, eight.
Meanwhile, the nation's having a new-and-different kind of fun, what with no one being able to run a successful business, or hire anybody, or get a job, or make money, or even protest everything in a manner consistent with decent personal hygiene.
But despite all this, and despite the fact that all of us seem to have sent our turkeys to Washington, we did have Thanksgiving in America recently. And, as all presidents before him, President Obama ceremoniously pardoned two symbolic turkeys. But his heart didn't seem to be in it. That's probably because all presidents have to do this goofy turkey-pardon thing, and they aren't allowed to put their own personality into it.
If the president had been allowed to do it his way, he'd have organized those turkeys into a community. Then, upon hearing their names were "Liberty" and "Peace," he'd-a probably butchered them himself, with a lusty cry of "All the turkeys are mine! Mine!"
Makes me wonder how previous presidents would've done the turkey thing if they could've done it "their way." George W. Bush probably would've thought Karl Rove said "make sure you get your axe cuts," and therefore his turkeys wouldn't have been safe, either. His dad would have said "Read my lips, no new axes," and then axed the birds anyway.
Clinton? "I experimented with turkey once, but I didn't swallow." Reagan would've saved Liberty and Peace, but would not have remembered doing so. Carter would've cited the birds' "misery index" as he severed their heads. Ford would've tripped over them. Nixon would've gotten the turkeys to pardon HIM. Johnson would've sent the birds to 'Nam - twice. And Jack Kennedy would've been thankful (as would've the rest of us) if he'd just been around to do anything at all with the '63 birds.
Happy Holidays, and I hope you have much to be thankful for this season. Me? I'm grateful for many things, including the right to dismiss these turkeys next November - even if only to send in a fresh crop of gobblers.
by Michael D. Hume, M.S.
You've heard the old joke, the one they tell every year at this time: "Know why they aren't having Thanksgiving in (Chicago)? They sent the turkey to Washington!" Usually, the quip refers to the president - any president - but lately, all the elected federal officials from both parties have been particularly turkey-like.
If you follow the arguments they're all having these days (and why in the world would you do that?), you know the key point being made by both sides seems to boil down to "I know you are, but what am I?" This is a time-honored argument, of course, and it still works as well today as it did when these turkeys undoubtedly rolled it out on playgrounds nationwide (and in Indonesia) when they were, like, eight.
Meanwhile, the nation's having a new-and-different kind of fun, what with no one being able to run a successful business, or hire anybody, or get a job, or make money, or even protest everything in a manner consistent with decent personal hygiene.
But despite all this, and despite the fact that all of us seem to have sent our turkeys to Washington, we did have Thanksgiving in America recently. And, as all presidents before him, President Obama ceremoniously pardoned two symbolic turkeys. But his heart didn't seem to be in it. That's probably because all presidents have to do this goofy turkey-pardon thing, and they aren't allowed to put their own personality into it.
If the president had been allowed to do it his way, he'd have organized those turkeys into a community. Then, upon hearing their names were "Liberty" and "Peace," he'd-a probably butchered them himself, with a lusty cry of "All the turkeys are mine! Mine!"
Makes me wonder how previous presidents would've done the turkey thing if they could've done it "their way." George W. Bush probably would've thought Karl Rove said "make sure you get your axe cuts," and therefore his turkeys wouldn't have been safe, either. His dad would have said "Read my lips, no new axes," and then axed the birds anyway.
Clinton? "I experimented with turkey once, but I didn't swallow." Reagan would've saved Liberty and Peace, but would not have remembered doing so. Carter would've cited the birds' "misery index" as he severed their heads. Ford would've tripped over them. Nixon would've gotten the turkeys to pardon HIM. Johnson would've sent the birds to 'Nam - twice. And Jack Kennedy would've been thankful (as would've the rest of us) if he'd just been around to do anything at all with the '63 birds.
Happy Holidays, and I hope you have much to be thankful for this season. Me? I'm grateful for many things, including the right to dismiss these turkeys next November - even if only to send in a fresh crop of gobblers.
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