One the Inside, Looking Out
I guess my dream for today is to be independent, and to not be dependent on anyone for my living arrangements and all of what that entails.
If my father had lived, would I have had the challenges that I experienced? Maybe yes, maybe no.
If everything still happened as it transpired with him alive, he would have been there to help me financially -- at least until something or someone else came along.
But he definitely would have helped me through it, emotionally.
I had originally postponed getting medical help, and I think he would have just brought me to the doctor himself.
The fact remains however, that my father did indeed die.
And it took me eleven years to get on my feet.
Maybe had he lived, it would not have taken me so long to recover -- or again, never had a reason to recover from anything in the first place.
But clearly, my father's death played a role in the decline of my mental health.
I used to fly off the handle.
I used to shout.
Some people would say that's a typical teenager.
When I went back to Eastridge High School as a substitute teacher, I saw the return of some mental issues that paved the way for the self-talk.
Maybe I created in my other voices, the voices of my father? When my father's voice was silenced, maybe I created him in another way, so I could talk back to him? If he wasn't there, I probably would have created someone else who could have been.
The real question becomes, what would my father be telling me now if he came to me in a dream, or if he was still alive? I think he would say that he likes the change in me; he would be happy that I became better and well.
(As it is now, in reality, all of my living relatives have noticed that I've improved.
) Yet, here's the $64,000 question: If I could, would I have changed anything that has happened in my life? If God said to me, "Maria -- let's rewind.
You don't have to go through this.
" I think the only thing I would eliminate is my experience as a substitute teacher.
Beyond that, everything else makes me a stronger person.
Had none of it transpired, would I have gone on to be a sarcastic person, making fun of other people? Become worse? Become more of a bully myself, instead of being bullied all my life? Initially, this may have indeed transpired.
But any employment position that a person takes on, whether it's mopping floors, or pushing paper, it has certain requirements and the individual needs to acquire interpersonal skills; some of which people learn from their friends.
That said, had I not become ill, I would have retired from teaching in 2006 at the age of 55.
Yet, by the same token, my mental challenges contributed to my compassion and understanding of my fellow human beings.
What happened to me became a learning experience; it gave me insight and perspective into life that I would have not otherwise comprehended.
If my father had lived, would I have had the challenges that I experienced? Maybe yes, maybe no.
If everything still happened as it transpired with him alive, he would have been there to help me financially -- at least until something or someone else came along.
But he definitely would have helped me through it, emotionally.
I had originally postponed getting medical help, and I think he would have just brought me to the doctor himself.
The fact remains however, that my father did indeed die.
And it took me eleven years to get on my feet.
Maybe had he lived, it would not have taken me so long to recover -- or again, never had a reason to recover from anything in the first place.
But clearly, my father's death played a role in the decline of my mental health.
I used to fly off the handle.
I used to shout.
Some people would say that's a typical teenager.
When I went back to Eastridge High School as a substitute teacher, I saw the return of some mental issues that paved the way for the self-talk.
Maybe I created in my other voices, the voices of my father? When my father's voice was silenced, maybe I created him in another way, so I could talk back to him? If he wasn't there, I probably would have created someone else who could have been.
The real question becomes, what would my father be telling me now if he came to me in a dream, or if he was still alive? I think he would say that he likes the change in me; he would be happy that I became better and well.
(As it is now, in reality, all of my living relatives have noticed that I've improved.
) Yet, here's the $64,000 question: If I could, would I have changed anything that has happened in my life? If God said to me, "Maria -- let's rewind.
You don't have to go through this.
" I think the only thing I would eliminate is my experience as a substitute teacher.
Beyond that, everything else makes me a stronger person.
Had none of it transpired, would I have gone on to be a sarcastic person, making fun of other people? Become worse? Become more of a bully myself, instead of being bullied all my life? Initially, this may have indeed transpired.
But any employment position that a person takes on, whether it's mopping floors, or pushing paper, it has certain requirements and the individual needs to acquire interpersonal skills; some of which people learn from their friends.
That said, had I not become ill, I would have retired from teaching in 2006 at the age of 55.
Yet, by the same token, my mental challenges contributed to my compassion and understanding of my fellow human beings.
What happened to me became a learning experience; it gave me insight and perspective into life that I would have not otherwise comprehended.
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