There seems to be a lack of respect in society today.
People just don't treat each other as well as they used to.
You can see it everywhere.
• Drivers cursing at other drivers, making very inappropriate hand gestures.
• TV talk shows that end up with people shouting at each other.
• The clerk at the department store that can't be bothered to answer your question.
• Students screaming at their teachers in class.
Unfortunately, this lack of respect has crept into the family.
Many parents have experienced the fact that kids don't seem to honor their parents the way that previous generations of children did.
The question we need to ask is, how did we get to this position? How did this lack of respect infiltrate even the closest family relationships? Most importantly, how can we make sure that it doesn't ruin our bond with our own teens? Another question that often comes up when people speak of respect in the parent/child relationship is this: do parents need to respect their children.
Historically speaking, the idea of respecting children is a fairly new idea.
But our society puts great value in the concept of mutual respect, and we will consider how that fits in this conversation.
Defining respect What is respect? The Encarta dictionary defines it as "a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward somebody or something.
" There are two aspects of respect as noted in this definition.
The first is admiration.
Why do parents deserve the admiration of their children? Parents who have done a good job raising their kids have accomplished much that is admirable by the time the teen years come around.
They have kept kids fed, clothed, safe, and reasonably educated.
None of those things are easy jobs.
Beyond taking care of the basics, parents teach their kids important life skills, and provide an atmosphere of love and acceptance.
Teens don't always appreciate how much their parents do for them.
The truth is that without their parents, teens wouldn't even survive into the teen years.
We will talk about how to help teens recognize their need to respect their parents later in this chapter.
Do parents have any reason to show admiration for teens? I believe they do.
Remember what we talked about earlier, when we detailed the stages that children go through as they develop.
Your teen has gone from being a baby who couldn't do anything for him- or herself, to being a near adult, able to do many things and make decisions.
(You may not agree with all the decisions, but that's another matter.
) There is plenty of reason to admire all that your teen has accomplished in his or her short time on earth.
Part of respecting your teen involves respecting what the teen has done, and acknowledging that he or she is growing in his or her ability to make decisions.
The second aspect of respect as defined by Encarta is "deference.
" Deference means to put someone else's interests before your own, or to submit to someone else's judgment.
From the teen's perspective, the second part of this is most important.
Even though most teens hate to admit it, their parents do know a little more than they do.
(Although, it's true that kids think their parents get smarter as the children have more life experiences!) Parents gain wisdom based on their life experiences.
Part of their job as parents is to pass along that wisdom to their children.
Another part of the parenting job is to identify things in their children's lives that might cause them harm.
If teens respect their parent's wisdom, they will be more accepting of the times when parents must say no to something the teen wants to do.
The first aspect of deference, putting someone else's interests before your own, applies directly to the parental side of the parent/teen relationship.
That is what parents are called to do: put their child's interests before their own.
I believe most parents do this instinctively.
But you do see cases where it does not happen.
Recently, a cable TV network ran a documentary about the lives of children who are entered in beauty pageants, often when they are just toddlers.
It was obvious that for several of the parents, they were trying to relive past glory through their children.
Was it in the child's best interest? That's hard to say.
You often see it in sports also.
Mom or dad push their child to play the sport the parent excelled at in school.
The child may have some talent, but the pressure to play well robs the child of any joy he or she might otherwise get from the game.
The parent keeps "encouraging" their child to perform better.
In many cases, the child stops playing that game as soon as they have a choice.
Respect in the parent/teen relationship Here's a more expanded definition of respect in the parent/teen relationship, based on what we've discussed.
Respect is shown by the teen when she recognizes the role parents have played in helping her get this far in life.
The teen believes that her parents have her best interests at heart, even when there is disagreement over what the teen's best interest actually is.
Parents show their respect for their teen when they recognize how the teen has grown and developed over the years.
The parents realize that every day the teen is growing more capable of taking on adult responsibilities, and making "grown-up" decisions.
Parents help in the decision-making process by sharing their experience and wisdom.
When parents have to make unilateral decisions, it's based on the child's best interests.
What respect is NOT I want to be clear about two things that are not included in this definition of respect.
First, notice that in this expanded definition, there's no hint that parents and teens need to agree on everything.
In a relationship that's built on love and respect, there's no reason why the people involved need to agree on everything.
But even when there is disagreement, it remains rooted in the fact that both sides care for and love the other.
In other words, it's not a war between opposing sides.
It's a disagreement among family.
The second thing you may have noticed is that I don't say anything about equality.
In fact, the parent/child relationship is unequal, by its definition.
Parents have a legitimate authority position.
If for no other reason, parents have authority because they are legally and morally responsible for the well-being of their children.
Of course, the responsibility goes far deeper than the law.
Every good parent wants to shield his or her child from danger whenever possible.
That is why teens need to have a deeply ingrained belief that their parents respect them.
They need to believe that parents appreciate what they are capable of doing, and that parents are acting out of what is best for the teen.
If those beliefs are not in place, all disagreements have the potential to spiral into huge disagreements.
(We will talk about how to disagree respectfully in just a moment.
) A teen's need for respect We spent the last few chapters looking at the ways that teens are changing.
They are experiencing changes in every aspect of their lives: emotionally, physically, and cognitively.
Add to that the fact that these changes are new to the teen, and sometimes unexpected, and it's no wonder that teens experience a crisis of self-confidence during these years.
They may wonder during this time if they can do anything right.
For this reason, teens need to know that their parents respect them, even when they disagree.
This is in addition to the unconditional love we talked about in the last chapter.
The combination of unconditional love and respect can make a powerful difference in a teen's life.
One of the big reasons that parents need to show their love and respect for their teens is because it gives those teens a reason to respect themselves.
If you believe that you are continually messing up, it's hard to generate much self-respect.
But when adults, and especially your parents, respect your abilities and your decisions, that serves as proof that you are a person who has value.
Showing respect We've seen what respect is.
We've defined it in the context of the parent/teen relationship.
We've seen why it's important for teens to know that they are respected by their parents.
Now the question is, how do parents and teens show respect for each other? Respect is more than a verbal acknowledgement of a person's worth.
It should affect the way you interact with the person you respect.
Let's look at a few ways that parents and teens can show their respect for each other: • Parents and teens can set down ground rules for their disagreements.
We are going to talk about how this is done in a later chapter.
Right now, I just want to mention how important it is that both parents and teens know what is acceptable during a disagreement.
For example, no one should attack another person's intelligence or looks, ever.
Things like that cause injury that may not ever be repaired.
Of course, the time to work these ground rules out is when there is no fighting going on.
Optimally, parents should be instilling these ideas in their kids' minds from early childhood.
I know a family (I'll call them the Smiths) where the parents started what they call the "Smith Family Rules.
" It's just some thoughts about what is important in the Smith family.
For example, the Smith family shares, and the Smith family doesn't hurt each other with words or their hands.
It's fun to see the Smith children as they grow, repeating those words to themselves and each other, as it becomes a matter of self-regulation.
And, yes, they do share, and they usually don't hurt others (although they still get into trouble, like all normal kids).
• Parents can avoid saying, "You'll do it, because I said so.
" I know it's popular for parents to attempt to end disagreements with that phrase.
But as parents, we should work to purge it from our vocabulary.
Respecting people means giving a reasonable answer to why you want them to or to not do something.
Even if your teen disagrees (and maybe doesn't disagree respectfully), you can still be respectful in giving your reasons.
Remember, as the adult, you are teaching them how to disagree respectfully.
• Parents and teens can listen to each other.
If your teen says you're not listening, don't give a knee-jerk response and say you are.
There's a reason they feel that way.
Are you really listening? If not, own it and make amends.
Ask them what would make them feel you are listening.
I am going to keep making this point: if your teen doesn't feel loved, respected, or listened to, then for all practical purposes, they aren't.
For any of our relationships, we need to make sure that the other person is receiving feelings of love, appreciation, or whatever it is we are trying to convey.
Otherwise, real communication has not taken place.
• Parents can take what their teens say seriously.
Don't laugh at or show disdain for their opinions.
Teens are thinking things through and forming opinions, working out their reasoning powers.
Give them a chance to express their thoughts.
In the long run, you want them to keep talking to you about the things that are important to them.
When they make a good point, say so.
Opinions are not wrong because they are different from yours.
That doesn't mean you have to agree, but just don't be dismissive.
Final thoughts The parent/child relationship has to be built on a foundation of love and respect.
When you show that you respect your teen, you are giving him or her some special gifts.
You are showing them that they are valuable.
You are showing them that they have something to offer, both to your family, and to the world at large.
You are showing them that they are capable of thinking things through for themselves.
Sometimes teens may not be able to show their respect for their parents.
But parents who consistently show love and respect for their children will find that those kids will grow into happy, healthy adults.
As adults, they will be able to share the gifts they've received from their parents with the people they care about most, including their parents.