Most people out there thought that codependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. For them, it is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as "relationship addiction" because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

So, what does codependent relationship really mean?  Codependency is a CONTROVERSIAL term. Most of the people who use it, use it inappropriately to label behaviors they don't like. Be aware of that issue, especially when the term is used by para-professionals (the types who write books instead of treat patients).

According to Wikipedia, codependent relationship is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.

Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns. Codependent always occurs in a context.

Just like animals and plants require particular atmospheres to survive, there needs to be sufficient interior and/or external support for an addiction to grow. The contextual issues supporting addiction occur both within the person developing the addiction and in the surrounding atmosphere.

Inside, codependent is affected by one's personality traits and attitude, as well as beliefs, genetic inheritance, history of distress and tolerance for coping with life's challenges. Outside, codependent relationship is affected by important relationships such as family and friends, along with cultural beliefs and social influences.

The family is not just a group of people but instead it is a system with each individual affecting the other; it is a system just as the human body is a system. All the parts are linked together and react and interact with each other. For example, if an individual were to fracture a bone, the other parts of their body would have to adjust to prevent putting pressure on the hurt limb and so the system is then organized around the injury and adjustments.

In the case of codependent, the family system organizes itself around the disease and all members are profoundly effected in their new roles. Some general rules in families that may contribute to codependency in relationship are:

• It's not okay to talk about problems
• Dont trust your instincts or other people
• Unpleasant feelings should not be openly expressed
• Keep your feelings to yourself
• Communication is best when it is indirect
• Use another family member as a messenger between two others
• Always be good, strong, right and perfect - or at least act it
• Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
• Don't be selfish
• Do as I say, not as I do
• It's not okay to be playful
• It's not okay to shine or excel too much
• Do not rock the boat
• Disaster is always lurking just around the corner, so tread lightly
• Guard the family secrets
• You should feel guilty or scared to say "no"
• Pretend there are no problems
• Nice people are boring
• If we disagree with each other, we are attacking or abandoning each other
• Control others by manipulating with threats, fear, guilt or pity
• If you need attention, be overly dramatic to get it
• Set off others' emotional temperatures to see how it is you feel
• If you control things and people you will be safe

A key goal in recovery is to change an unhealthy family system into a healthy one. This is not only supportive of the codependency's recovery, but is also much more fulfilling for all family members. Characteristics of healthy family systems include:

Respectful:

Family rules are explicit, clear, well defined, reasonable and consistently enforced. Boundaries support healthy respectful behavior.

Flexible:

The system is able to accommodate changes and role diversity without becoming rigid or intolerant. In other words, people are allowed to express their unique self and adjust/move through roles accordingly. In unhealthy family systems, roles are inflexible and people are only supported while functioning in their respective roles.

Predictable:

Family behavior, interactions, and customs/traditions are consistent and predictable while allowing for spontaneity. As the disease of addiction progresses, behavior may grow increasingly difficult to predict. This lifestyle often propels family members into "crisis living," resulting in a lack of safety.

Open Communication:

Communication is open rather than closed. Individuals are allowed to express feelings and needs without fear of reprisal, ridicule or retaliation from other family members. Family members are allowed to need help and support and communicate problems and conflicts openly.

Unhealthy family systems often disallow communication within the family and support family isolation from the community and other resources. The message in these families is don't talk, don't trust, and don't feel. Individuals are supported in their differences and in their separation/individuation process.

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Rose Maria