How old to you have to be to know you are gay or lesbian? Five? Twelve? Sixteen? Twenty? The truth is, the answer is different for everyone. Plenty of people know that they are gay, bisexual, lesbian or transgender from very early in childhood. Of course, other people only realize they are gay in their, teens, twenties, or even later. It's also common to feel that your sexual orientation shifts over time.

There are also a lot of people who question their sexual orientation for long time. If you are attracted to other girls, or other boys, it is common to wonder if you are a lesbian, bisexual, or "going through a stage."

Partly because it is so common to question, some people assume that teens are simply too young to be certain of their sexual orientation. 

As one girl writes to the GLBT teen forum:

"Hey, I’m 14 and a girl. I told my mom that I’m gay but all she says is that I’m too young to know what I am. I can tell that she doesn’t like the fact that I’m gay, which I don’t understand because she’s bisexual. But anyways what should I do about her?"

This sounds really upsetting and is a good reminder that just because someone is queer, doesn't mean that person will always be understanding of another person's experience.  It is possible that your mom felt that she wasn't certain of her sexual orientation at fourteen and so is projecting her experiences on to you.

It is also possible that she has had difficulties related to being bisexual and she wants to spare you from what she imagines you might have to go through.

Finally, your mom is from a different generation than you are, and while there are still challenges to being a GLBT teen, there is much more support for gay youth than there used to be and your mom might not be aware of how things have changed.

If you feel comfortable, you might want to ask her if these issues could be affecting her view, and explain that it is frustrating to be told that you are unsure about such a core part of who you are. Having an honest conversation can also help your mom understand more about your feelings. She might be more open to talking about this than you think!

Really, whether you are absolutely certain that you are a lesbian, or still trying to figure it out is probably less related to how old you are, and more related to various individual factors. But no matter how long it takes to answer that question, rest assured you are the best person to do the answering, whatever your age.

Of course, if you are trying to figuring out your sexual orientation, you can ask yourself some questions like:

• Who do you usually have crushes on? Is it mainly other girls?
• Do you imagine relationships with girls?
• If you dated or had a sexual experience with a guy, how did it make you feel?
• If you dated or had a sexual experience with a girl, how did it make you feel?

The answers can help you get a clearer sense of what you are feeling, but don't worry if you still have questions. That's perfectly normal. Just like it is perfectly normal to know at fourteen that you are definitely a lesbian!