Updated June 09, 2015.
When we quit smoking, we all miss cigarettes at times when we thought they gave us comfort or pleasure. It is important to take a critical look at what we're feeling when triggers to smoke surface so that we can begin to remove the associations we built up and see the truth for what it is: Smoking pleasure is nothing more than the need for a nicotine fix. We have given a wide variety of meanings to it over the years, but make no mistake, our "love" for smoking (inhaling toxins) is about addiction, not pleasure.

Two Weeks

In about 30 minutes it will have been 2 weeks since I have smoked a cigarette.

Two weeks ago, around this time (late at night), I went outside in front of my house, lit my cigarette, and inhaled the smoke deeply into my lungs. It was my intention that it would be my last cigarette. The next morning I was on a plane with my wife and daughter on our way to visit my wife's family. I did not pack any smokes to bring on the trip.

I really didn't know if my will would hold. I made a half-hearted attempt to do the same thing two years ago, but 3 days in, I trekked 3 miles through the snow to a convenience store to buy a pack of cigarettes. This time, 3 days in, I found this quit smoking forum. I was more determined this time and if I hadn't been more determined, maybe I would not have gone searching for help. Being here has helped me tremendously.

Today was an easier day than yesterday. I had a doctors appointment this morning and worked from home in the afternoon. The moments when I feel like smoking had a little less sting to them today than they did yesterday.

I have felt a sadness and that sense of "is this all there is?" creeping in. I have clearly had that thought a few times when I felt an urge to smoke and then had to deal with the fact that I am not smoking. What I think is strange is how does smoking make it seem like there is more to life or add some meaning to life in such a way that not smoking makes me feel like "is that all there is?"

Is it because when I smoke, I take time out and reflect on life for a few moments and that reflection makes life seem more meaningful? Or does smoking give me a false sense of control? Or does wanting a cigarette and not giving in to the desire simply leave me with a sense of loss and the sense of loss is expressed as "is that all there is?"

When I was a smoker, I always knew there was something to do. If I didn't know what to do, then I could smoke. If I didn't want to start the next thing I should do, I could smoke. If I needed a break, I could smoke. It's like smoking was this thing I could always turn to, to celebrate, for comfort, to avoid something, to acknowledge the end or beginning of something, to mark transitions, and on and on and on. And maybe all of that is just a bunch of bull my brain made up because it likes the nicotine and my brain is willing to do anything for its fix?

Ok, my daughter has had a bath and is in bed sleeping, dishes are done, garbage cans are out on the street for trash pick up tomorrow morning and if that's all there is then I guess that's all there is and smoking or not smoking doesn't really change any of that.

Thank you for reading.
David

Next: Three Weeks - David's Quit Journal