If you consistently find it difficult to make and keep friends, perhaps the problem is you. It’s hard to admit when we’re the ones standing in our own way with friendships, but if you can be honest with yourself it can improve any feelings of anger or frustration you have with people. If you find that you’re always having issues with people, here are some ways to turn things around.

 

How Can You Tell If You’re the Problem?


 

It’s always a good idea to look at your own behavior, even you think your friend is in the wrong. Even the most self-aware people frequently do an honest evaluation of how they approach people, respond to situations, and handle situations.

You might be the problem if:

You find that the same types of problems keep happening with people.

Others have tried to tell you what’s wrong and when they do you think they’re being ridiculous. You think: I’d never act that way.

• You often find that you’re confused about why people are upset with you.
• You believe that people just don’t want good friends or don’t know how to act.
• When someone gives you feedback about your behavior you focus in on the details they might have wrong rather than the message they are trying to get across.
• You think you’re a good friend and people just don’t appreciate you.
• Your friendships never seem to last.
• You feel that people are always jealous of you.

Get Out of Your Own Way

It’s too easy to blame others for things, when in fact we might be contributing to our own problems.

For instance, even if you’re friends with a difficult person, how you react to them can either make things worse or allow you to maintain the friendship without arguments or issues. But if you try to change them, or insist on stooping to their level of stubbornness, you cause more heartache for yourself than if you had ignored their petty behavior.

In order to truly get out of your own way, you must look at the things you’re doing when it comes to making and keeping friends. Do you have a bad attitude? Can you hear the truth when it is told gently to you? Identify the things you’re doing wrong with people. You can do that by:

Asking people you trust about your strengths and weaknesses in friendship.

Looking at the times you experience the same problem over and over with different friends. There is an old saying that when the problem seems to be everyone else, then the problem is you.

Paying attention to the times when you’re most angry or offended. Look back to the steps that lead up to this feeling, and identify things you could have done differently.

Get Rid of the Mental Scorecard

It’s too easy to keep a mental list of all that you do in a friendship and forget about the things your friend does for you. Friendships should be give and take, but they are rarely equal. Kindness and favors come in all different sizes so you can’t compare each one you do with those a friend does.

Instead, do nice things for the people in your life because you want to, not because you’re desperate to make friends or because you think they’ll owe you later on. Friendship doesn’t work that way. Be sincere in your desire to do good for someone else without expectation of repayment.

Work on Destructive Behavior

When you’ve done some reflection, identify self-destructive patterns, like:

• A bad temper
• Selfish behavior
• The inability to compromise
• The insistence on being right
• An obsession with having friends do what you want them to do

Chances are your bad patterns will take some time to curb, and you might need to reach out to a therapist or pastor to help you sort them out. Working on yourself is a process that takes years, and many people never stop. But that’s okay. Time spent trying to be the best version of yourself is never wasted.

Change Your Actions and Your Mindset Will Follow

If you are always having issues with people, a change in your own behavior will help you handle situations differently. You might not be able to be friends with every single acquaintance in your life, but at least you’ll feel better about how you react to things.

Start with your actions first. Learn the traits that good friends share and strive to be a positive influence for the people in your world. If this is a new concept to you, start small with an act of kindness or two, and go from there. Eventually your actions will help you see others and yourself in a different light.