You want your daughter to have the best possible future.

This is on your mind every day. You walk through your day evaluating your daughter's present behavior and forecasting it into the future. You can't help it.

I walk into my daughter's room and see her new clothes all over the floor. Fifteen minutes earlier her room was clean. I'm baffled at how she could have trashed it so quickly. Then in a nano-second my mind races to the future and thinks, "If she doesn't change, no one is going to want to room with her in college."

Sound familiar?

You passionately want your daughter to have a good future. You see daily evidence that she may not have a good future (clothes, grades, attitudes) which causes fear and panic that she will have a bad future.

This is a recipe for Negative Future Speak.

Negative Future Speak

Negative Future Speak is talking to your daughter in a negative way in hopes to motivate her to change her present behavior and thus protect her future.

Negative Future Speak happens when you have emotionally had it with her. You're afraid, frustrated, and panicked so you pull out the big guns. Actually the words fly out of your mouth and you think, "Did I really say that?" but you tell yourself, "I am doing it for her own good."

You predict doom and gloom because you are going for the shock effect.

You are desperate to get her attention and have her listen to you.

So you say something like:

• • If you keep eating like this you are going to end up weighing 200 pounds.
  • If you don't learn how to clean your room no one will ever want to room with you.
  • Fine don't study, no college is going to accept you anyway.

In the moment you think you are telling her the truth, but really (and I want to say this in the most loving way as possible) you are overreacting. I know I've been there.

It's like you are the ghost from Christmas future pointing your finger and showing her the bleakest and gloomiest future possible.

Here's the deal. Bottom line is, it won't motivate her. It will make her angry or shut down. She will hate you or hate herself. And you won't feel better.

She will not get the message you are hoping her to get. She will hear, (because of concrete thinking) "You think I'm ugly." "You think I can't get into college."

Positive Future Speak

Positive Future Speak is talking about the future in a way that is positive and motivates your daughter to take the necessary steps to move towards her dreams. Positive Future Speak always conveys hope.

This is easy when your daughter is doing well and you get the good report card. It is not easy when your daughter gives you challenges and attitudes.

1. Positive Future Speak starts with truly believing in her. (Even in the challenging times)

Your daughter is bound to do something that will trigger fear in you. When this happens you need to give yourself time to work through your fear. Ask yourself what are you afraid of? Don't let your fear be in charge or you will be back into Negative Future Speak. Remember your daughter is still in process and her future is not written. Your daughter's worst behavior does not dictate who she will become.

• • • Redirect your attention to when she has been successful.

What are her strengths and abilities? When has she been kind to you?

• • • Remember the exceptions.

When did she clean her room without you getting on her? When did she show you she was responsible? When was she honest?

• • • The goal is not perfection.

No one is perfect especially your daughter. Her brain is not fully developed. Your daughter will make mistakes. You want her to make mistakes while she is living under your roof. This gives you an opportunity to speak into her life and help her develop character and wisdom.

2. Be her biggest encourager

Once you see her strengths and abilities you can be her biggest encourager even in the most challenging times.

• Encourage her though specific praise and encouragement.

- I saw you really working hard on your paper last night. 
- You did a great job of cleaning the kitchen. 
- I know you had a hard day and yet you still were able to get your work done.

If your encouragement is too general she will not believe you. 
Honey, you can do anything you want to do.

3. Give her a long term perspective

Your daughter does not have a long term perspective. She is still a child. Much of her experience is the 'first time'. The first time she failed a class, had a friend betray her or a boyfriend cheat on her. No wonder she acts like a drama queen when it is her first experience of having her heart broken or betrayed.

You have a long term perspective. You have been there and have lived to tell about it. You see how things work out for the best much of the time. Your best friend betrayed you but you ended up making better friends. The guy who cheated on you was a jerk and thank God you didn't marry him. You realized, your good looks alone were not going to get you through college. You learned how to do the work.

Your long term perspective gives your daughter hope that she can move past her present obstacles and move forward.

4. Help her see the next step

Your daughter has the big dream but often she doesn't know what steps to take to get there.

Help her connect the dots between present and future by asking her, "What is the next step you can take that will bring you closer to your dreams?" This is done in a hope-filled way. You want your daughter to know, "your dream is possible you just need to take the next step".

Too often your daughter feels her dream isn't possible so she shuts down. Your daughter is motivated when she feels her hopes and dreams are within reach.

Example: A conversation could go like this. 

"Carol, you want to get into a great college and pursue your singing. That's wonderful. What is the first step towards your goal?"
"I could take voice lessons. I could join a choir." 

"What would you have to do now in order to live your dream?" 
"I would need to practice and bring my grades up".

"I think those are great ideas. You have a gorgeous voice and this will help you keep developing it. What gets in the way of you taking that step?" 
"I get distracted and waste time on the phone."
"I know it is easy to get distracted. How can I help?"

These kinds of questions show your daughter that you are on her side and wanting her to reach her goal. See how different that feels than Negative Future Speak.

Believe good things are going to happen for you and your daughter.