Dear Lesbian Life:

I have been with my girlfriend for three years now. She is the love of my life. Our relationship has been a little rocky for a while. We have our little fights here and there, but what relationship doesn’t? The other day we got into an argument, and she broke up with me. I freaked out. She told me it was because she couldn’t see herself having a future with me and having kids and everything.

She said she didn’t think she was gay. She said she's been feeling this way for about a year...but I think that's impossible.
Why would she get an apartment with me, a car with me, go on vacation with me.... all within the past year, if she didn't want to be with me? We talked it out and we are still together, but she told me she doesn’t promise that were going to stay together because she has to follow her heart. This is killing me. I can’t pretend that nothing happened and just go about our relationship until she decides whether or not she wants to be with me. I love her so much, and the thought of losing her is killing me. What do I do?
Signed,
Is my Girlfriend Straight?

Dear Girlfriend,

Wow, this is a tough one. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot you can do in this situation. Yes, your girlfriend needs to figure out if she is gay or not. I hope she is in therapy. If not, she needs to enroll immediately. Although she should keep you informed of what she is going through, you shouldn’t be her only place to process this.

You’re way too invested in the outcome. Hearing about her struggle is way too painful for you. Although her internal process is not really about you, it does affect you, immensely so.
Can someone be in relationship with another woman, even for three years or more, and then realize she is not gay? Yes. One need only look to Melissa Etheridge and her relationship with her ex Julie Cypher, to see a very public example of someone deciding she is straight after more than 10 years in a lesbian relationship. Sexuality can be a fluid thing and hard to explain or understand. Just as women sometimes come out as lesbian while married to a man, some women come out as straight after having been in relationship with women for years.

My advice to you is to get some support for yourself. If you have a close friend or family member, let her know what’s going on. Or register with the Lesbian Life Forum and get support from other women who may have gone through what you’re going through.

Is She Gay or Straight?

The hardest part for you has to be her indecision. If she said she was leaving you, it would be hard, but at least you would know what you’re dealing with. Perhaps a trial separation is in order. You can agree to split up for three months, to give her time to sort all this out and then reassess at that time.
It sounds like she’s been struggling with this issue for quite some time. It’s up to her to figure out if this is really an issue of sexual orientation or just one of internalized homophobia. Can she not see herself having a life and children with you because that is against her religious or cultural beliefs? Or is she truly attracted to men and heterosexual?

My heart goes out to you, but if you truly love her, then you’ll want her to be happy and to live an authentic life. As painful as that may be for you, it means giving her the time and space to figure out if she really is a lesbian or not.