I woke up this morning early thinking of you my daughter going over our last visit together, and as I sift through the thoughts that run through my head late at night while I rest, I ask myself the question, "What do you really think of your mother?" I know we have a past of ups and downs and not always the 'normal' ways of doing things, and I know how much you love me, but a part of me is sad that you may feel I have not lived up to my potential.
As I work through the past and try to live in the now, I find that my need for your approval of me is a strong feeling and knowing that you accept me for who I am is important playing on my mind in the wee hours of the night when I sleep.
Is this yet another piece of the puzzle to work out? Why is it so important to feel and know that you accept me for who I am now and believe that I am doing what is best for me, being successful in my own way at doing so.
Is this just my insecurity, my lack of self worth, or am I feeling what I felt most of my life, that yet another person I love feels I am not what I should or can be.
If I am feeling this, is it once again my insecurity of self that comes to the surface and I interpret it as I perceive it.
You stated that you do not see me as my friends see me and that I do not see you as your friends see you.
You say you know that my love for you has made you who you are today, and that is a good thing; but I have not done my job as a mother or a women when I feel in your looks you do not feel that I live up to my potential and after all these years; do not have 'it together'.
How do we get to the point of accepting each other as we are for what were and know that we are good people in and of ourselves and that it is OK exactly as it is.
Why is it so important to have approval of each other and not simply live with our differences and personal growing pains.
Life is a process to be lived every day, working at being just a little better is all that we should ask of ourselves.
The expectations of others, especially family; can some times be such a burden to carry.
Accept me for who I am today, with all my beauty, love, and kindness.
Be proud of me today, for who I am and let go of the expectations of the future.
I will do and be the best that I can be TODAY, for myself, for you and everyone else that is important to me.
I am that I am, and that is all I can do for this day.
I love you for your kindness and generosity as your mother and because I know that you worry about me and want only the best of me.
I will take your words as a means to be a little bit better today.