In my corporate career days, a young Accountant in our office proved to everyone for once and for all that he really wasn't that shy after all.
Because for years we all thought he was shyer than an earth worm and we were always trying to boost his confidence and set him up with nice ladies! All that changed at the last office Christmas party I attended before retiring from the workforce.
And what an eye-opener! I didn't actually see what happened myself, but I was assured we wouldn't need an ambulance because a 'skipper' (a chosen sober driver) had volunteered to drive him to the nearest hospital for stitches to the gash on his head.
And apparently somebody was calling the glass people and you wouldn't even notice the plate glass window had been smashed by the time they'd finished with it.
Seems our young friend had enjoyed a little too much seasonal merriment in the form of a heavily stocked bar and free drinks for all, and in his attempt to do a striptease on one of the desks, tripped over the telephone and went sailing through the nearby window, trousers around his knees, showing parts of his anatomy I bet the girls in accounts never thought they'd see! And I once worked with a nice young lady who was very prim and proper, whose idea of swearing consisted of an occasional "damn".
Fortunately she didn't take to removing her clothing at this particular Christmas function, but she did go up to the CEO and some distinguished guests with a platter of seafood tidbits and pointing to the oysters announced with her mouth full, "You must try the little pickled fannies...
they're yummiful!" And then giggled herself silly before dropping the tray at our feet.
She then burst into loud unladylike guffaws, food snorting from her nose, and pointed to one of our VIP's shiny black shoes and squealed, "You've got a pickled fanny on your foot!" Apparently somebody had been pouring vodka into her cool drink cans all night, so in a way it wasn't really her fault that she was drunk, and we never did find the culprit.
He would have lost his job had he been caught.
And you know the old clichéd stories about office acquaintances caught snogging in the broom cupboard? Well, I can tell you they're not "clichéd stories" - I really have caught people snogging in cupboards, overly merry and totally unconcerned that they were locking lips with somebody they'd ordinarily have little to do with.
Actually, I haven't personally caught them, but I have been present when they've been caught.
And after over 25 years in the workforce, you can imagine this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as my Christmas party memories go.
If there is one thing to be learned from all this, it's that you cannot afford to let your guard down just because it is Christmas.
We all know that consuming too much alcohol can make you lose your inhibitions and do things you ordinarily wouldn't do and regret very much the next day when you're nursing your hangovers.
Apart from injuring yourself or making a fool of yourself in other ways, alcohol can also loosen your tongue and you can find yourself telling your boss and co-workers what you really think of them.
At the time you are fearless and think you're very clever and possibly hilariously funny, but that type of behaviour can cost you your job.
There really is only one major rule you should remember: Don't let your hair down at office functions - Christmas or not.
Quite apart from the fact that you should conduct yourself and comply with generally accepted office behaviour even at out of hours company functions anyway, businesses have a legal obligation to provide safe workplaces for employees.
And when it comes to lawsuits, "safe workplaces" can be anywhere the company hosts an event for their staff.
Then there is the risk of damage claims to buildings and furniture, not to mention people, and some people have also made sexual harassment claims, too...
yes, from intoxicated, over amorous fellow workers who can't remember a thing about it the next day.
I suppose I sound like a party pooper now and you have visions of sitting around on stools with your legs crossed and your lips pursed, saying "just lemonade, please," and "what delightful weather for this time of year.
" Don't get me wrong.
It's okay to drink alcohol, just not to get drunk.
At office Christmas parties it IS okay to laugh and be merry, but not so merry you want to get on a desk and remove your clothes or offer pickled fannies to the CEO.
It is even acceptable to dance - again, just not on desktops and preferably with your clothes on.
What you don't want to be doing is providing the entertainment.
Think a little bit of everything in moderation! So, here are some tips to keep you out of trouble at this year's Xmas bash: 1.
Don't plan to meet up for drinks before you go.
Plan to arrive sober.
2.
Have a snack and a glass of milk before you go - something to line your stomach for the first drink that is bound to be plonked into your hand the moment you arrive.
3.
Dress appropriately.
Find out what is expected and err on the side of caution.
You don't want to go dressed like a ten dollar hooker - keep it conservative.
4.
Arrange a skipper to drive home or order a taxi - do not drink and drive.
5.
Eat while you are drinking and make every second drink a non-alcoholic drink.
A glass of water can do wonders! 6.
If you are feeling "funny" and suspect you're getting tiddly, stop drinking altogether and make sure you stay away from the hierarchy who would frown at your "tiddliness".
(Because now is really NOT the time to point out your CEO's flaws or ask your boss for a payrise!) 7.
Plan to go home at a decent time - don't stay all night.
If you think there is a risk of that, arrange with other friends to call by and pick you up at a designated time.
8.
Don't take photos of tiddly or drunken staff workers - not with your camera, not even with your phone.
And if you do, don't put them on the internet or send them to all your friends.
9.
Don't do anything yourself that you wouldn't want to appear on the internet the next day! 10.
And finally, if next day is a work day, plan to turn up! Now go and eat, drink and be merry, because it is the season to be jolly, but let's hope the only red-face you'll end up wearing is a case of sunburn because you forgot the suncream!