Talking to Your Children about Divorce and Separation By the time they are sixteen, around 28 percent of children born to married couples will have lived through the divorce of their parents.
The separation and eventual end of a marriage can be a tough time for children as they worry about what will happen next.
They may feel insecure about the changes that will happen in their lives as their family no longer lives together as a unit.
Parents considering divorce often wonder if they should stay married until their children grow up and leave home so that they can be raised in a two parent household, or if it's better to divorce and live as two happy, secure individuals so that the children don't have to live with the stress and conflict that an unhappy marriage can create in the home.
Unfortunately, no one can make this decision for you, and each family has to make an individual choice based on their unique dynamic.
If you and your partner decide to separate, there are a few things you can do to minimize the effects divorce will have on your children.
However, keep in mind that there will be emotional effects and some turmoil on their part and you may need to consider therapy or family counseling.
Tips for Speaking to Your Children: • Explain to them that the separation between you and your partner was not caused by them.
It is not their fault and they did nothing to make it happen.
Remind your children that you and your partner both will always love them, and that they are important to both of you, no matter how you and your partner feel about one another.
• Make every attempt to keep the things in your children's lives the same.
If possible, allow them to remain in the same house, the same school, or keep the same friends.
Carrying on with the same daily activities, hobbies, and clubs allows them a familiarity that can be very soothing as they go through a difficult emotional time, and gives them an outlet for their emotions.
• Keep meeting for drop-offs and pickups and make it a routine.
While this may be one of the only times you see your ex-partner, do your best to keep the interactions positive for your child's sake.
Involving your children in adult conflicts or issues isn't a positive way to handle them and will only create strife for everyone.
• Conflict and disagreement may seem impossible to prevent when going through a divorce, keeping children out of these conflicts as much as possible is the best solution.
Avoid including them in the conflict, sending them back and forth with messages, and escalating their emotional issues, as this will only cause more stress in their lives.
• Separation and divorce are not simple processes.
You and your children will both be sad throughout the process - this is to be expected.
The best you can do is to make sure that your children don't blame themselves for your decisions.
Work with them to establish the fact that you and your partner both love them unconditionally.
Tips for Coping with Time Limitations and Parental Guilt: • When you're sharing your child's time with your ex-partner, it can be tempting to think that your relationship with your children will suffer.
However, you need to keep in mind that quality of your time with your child is what is important, and not how much time you're spending with them each day or each week.
Take the time that you do have with your children and enjoy every moment, focus on them, enjoy a mutual interest, and interact with them completely.
Bake cookies, play a game, work on homework or housework together.
• Keep it simple.
Don't set huge goals because you feel guilty about the decline of your marriage.
It can be tempting to plan large events with your children to compensate for the guilt and negative emotions you feel.
Instead, focus on simple activities that you and your children can both enjoy.
Take a walk down the greenway, camp in your garden, play a favorite board game, or relax over afternoon tea.
These basic joyful activities will help you enjoy your children and build lovely memories for future generations.
• Take the time to develop daily routines that matter to you and your children, and use this time to connect.
Even when you get ready for bed, bathe, have dinner, or tidy your home, you have a variety of opportunities to connect with your child.
Turn these everyday tasks into daily rituals by adding songs, special tableware, or a specific verse or poem to the event.
Researchers have shown that routine and rhythm in the home helps children to adapt to the change, and that fathers who add this type of structure to the family routine by bathing their children can help their children build future relationships.
Developing Consistency Between Caregivers: One key factor in developing positive behavior in children is consistent parenting from both parties involved, even if the children are in two separate homes.
All parents and caregivers need to agree on what is acceptable and what is unacceptable, and they also need to apply rewards and consequences in the same pattern.
It is crucial that this method is applied consistently, each time, for the best results.
One clear way to establish these ground rules is to have an actual meeting with all caregivers present.
Meet with your ex-spouse, any caregivers, and your children.
Discuss the house rules and expectations in a family meeting, and write these rules down on a paper.
Then consider having copies reproduced for home, daycare, and other places the children will be staying for extended periods.
Examples of general rules include, 'Speak quietly in the house', 'Treat one another with respect', and 'Tell the truth'.
Keep these rules as simple as possible, state them positively instead of negatively and work out a reward system for the children.
During the meeting, caregivers should also discuss how to handle rule-breaking or misbehavior.
Differences in discipline styles could lead to conflicts in the future, especially if one parent is more lenient than the other.
In your family meeting, caregivers should try to reach agreement on specific types of discipline to use such as removing toys or privileges and how long to remove them for.
Caregivers should also discuss children's specific needs each time they meet, because as children grow and develop they may require different types of interactions.
Parents and caregivers may disagree on some aspects of raising children, as each adult is an individual.
However, working through these issues in an adult manner is healthy and beneficial for the children.
Tips for Co-Parenting After Divorce or Separation: • Set aside time to talk to your ex-partner regularly about your mutual expectations and your approaches to parenting.
Listen during this conversation for similarities and differences in your parenting styles, and then discuss them in a respectful manner.
Do your best to actively find a compromise between your parenting styles and prevent discipline conflicts before they happen.
• Take the time to set clear ground rules.
Rules allow your children to know what is expected of them, no matter which parent they're spending time with and helps build consistency even during divorce.
Set positive rules, like 'Children may watch television after homework is completed.
' Family rules help set the message that you and your ex are working together as a team.
• Always present a united front.
This is extremely important for both parents after a split, and becomes more important if a new partner becomes involved.
Do not allow children to go back and forth between partners or turn one adult against another to get a different answer.
Make it part of your routine to check back with your co-parent or your partner to see if an adult has already made a decision.
If you cannot immediately check, then you should delay making a decision until you have a chance to do so.
This reminds the children that the adults in your family work as a team and back one another up.
If there is a disagreement, discuss it in private, then come back to them with a joint decision.
• Be clear about your expectations.
This allows your children to feel secure and always know where they stand.
• Rules in the family apply to everyone - children and adults alike.
Set rules in your family that you can stick to, as well.
• Put effort into thinking of rewards if rules are carried out well, this will encourage the children not to break rules.
Find rewards that the children will genuinely enjoy, so that they're willing to work for them.
• Act immediately if rules are broken.
Long, delayed count downs, empty threats, and multiple warnings are ineffective and teach your children that they can get by with their actions.
Instead, enforce consequences immediately and be sure that the children know what consequences they will face for misbehavior.
• Review the family rules regularly.
Here is another article that discusses counseling and parenting after divorce and it has a lot of useful tips that you can apply: http://www.
divorcesource.
com/NY/ARTICLES/frankel2.
html Working Through Conflict and Difficulty: Parents frequently mention to our agency that they have difficulties managing their children's behavior after they've returned from their other parents' home.
If you and your ex-partner aren't on speaking terms or have difficulty talking without fighting, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed by this behavior, and even easier to overreact and take your frustration out on your child.
Instead, focus on building firm and fair parenting routines for your home.
Plan out a strategy for when your child is re-entering your home and your parenting territory, so you can manage this difficult time in a more appropriate and emotionally healthy manner.
Tips for Managing Your Children's Re-Entry To Your Home: • Set clear, fair rules for your children's behavior that apply all the time.
Be especially careful to remind yourself to enforce these rules when you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
Speak calmly and specifically to your children about the details of daily life, instead of overreacting to little things.
• Apply these rules consistently every day and evening when the children are in your home, so that they know what to expect.
There should be a specific time to be inside, to do homework, to play before bedtime, for bath time, and for bed.
Expect them to challenge you, especially if they've been away but be consistent with your limits and explain your expectations repeatedly as necessary.
• No matter how tired or emotionally overwhelmed you are, stand by your decisions.
It's important that your children understand that they can't exhaust you and then ignore your requests or take advantage of emotional weakness.
Instead, reinforce the rules and remain consistent, even when it's emotionally draining and difficult for you.
• Give extra attention to good behavior.
Rewards, such as stickers, charts, or extra pocket-money, go a long way towards showing your children that their behavior is appreciated.
A simple 'Thank You' is also a good way to appreciate their effort.
If you promise a reward, be sure to fulfill your promise.
• Enforce the consequences for negative behavior.
Small, brief, and immediate consequences are typically the most effective.
Apply the consequence directly to the situation whenever possible.
Not taking a bath when asked may mean no toys or bubbles in the bath.
Not turning off the television when asked may mean no television the following evening.
Consequences that are naturally related to the offense tend to work well.
• Act quickly to combat misbehavior.
If you delay, the child may have forgotten the offense entirely, or you may be angry and overreact and end up setting a consequence that is too severe for the misbehavior.