John McCain Jokes
See Also:
McCain Humor Roundup
Best McCain Jokes of 2008
John McCain Cartoons
Funny McCain Pictures
Funny McCain Videos
Sarah Palin Jokes
"McCain kept talking about how he could help this man. If McCain really wants to help this guy, you now what he should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life." --Jay Leno, on Joe the Plumber
A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab.
And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they'll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, 'Do I live here?'" --David Letterman
"Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart in Ohio, so she could pick up a package of diapers. I guess she ran out of diapers, so they pulled over and she went in and everyone followed her. Which is kind of cute, but it turned out Senator McCain didn't need them." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up drinking a while ago, but I started again. And I'm watching the debate last night, and I did a shot every time John McCain said, 'My friends.' And so I am just blotto." --David Letterman
"At one point McCain referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' And McCain later thought maybe something had gone haywire.
He apologized, he said he got confused, he thought he was at the bakery." –David Letterman
"It got a little heated at one point during the debate. McCain talked about experience and he said, 'We don't have time for on-the-job training.' Then why did you pick Sarah Palin?" --Jay Leno
"And the only really new proposal last night came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class. You know McCain, he just likes buying houses." --Jay Leno
"The second presidential debate is tonight. And beforehand, I don't know if you heard this, John McCain said, 'The gloves are coming off.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then McCain said, 'but don't worry, the diaper is staying on.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Political experts are saying that to succeed in the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she's really troubled by John McCain's choice for vice president." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday the stock market suffered its biggest one-day drop in history, falling 777 points. I’m telling you, boy, it's a good thing John McCain blew me off to go save the economy." --David Letterman
"I felt bad about this. Because we were all ready to go with John McCain and with an hour to go, he cancels. I felt bad about it. I was thinking about this, John, John, here's how it works. You don't come to see me? Well, we might not see you on Inauguration Day." --David Letterman
This doesn't smell right. This is not the way a tested hero behaves. Somebody's putting something in his Metamucil." –David Letterman, on John McCain suspending his campaign and canceling his appearance on the Late Show
"McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn't a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes." --Bill Maher
"The other financial genius, John McCain…said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher
"Can you imagine if she was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn't even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don't know who did it. They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain." –Bill Maher
"The Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, 'Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background.'" --Jay Leno
"How are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno
"The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight's Republican Convention is, 'Who is John McCain?' Tomorrow night's theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the Vice President's daughter is pregnant?'" --Conan O'Brien
"There was some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio today, where Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife." –Jon Stewart
"Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama's lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show." –Jon Stewart
"Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because hedidn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." –Jay Leno
"This isn't a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF." –Bill Maher
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
Email to a Friend
McCain Humor Roundup
Best McCain Jokes of 2008
John McCain Cartoons
Funny McCain Pictures
Funny McCain Videos
Sarah Palin Jokes
"McCain kept talking about how he could help this man. If McCain really wants to help this guy, you now what he should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life." --Jay Leno, on Joe the Plumber
A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab.
And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they'll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, 'Do I live here?'" --David Letterman
"Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart in Ohio, so she could pick up a package of diapers. I guess she ran out of diapers, so they pulled over and she went in and everyone followed her. Which is kind of cute, but it turned out Senator McCain didn't need them." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up drinking a while ago, but I started again. And I'm watching the debate last night, and I did a shot every time John McCain said, 'My friends.' And so I am just blotto." --David Letterman
"At one point McCain referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' And McCain later thought maybe something had gone haywire.
He apologized, he said he got confused, he thought he was at the bakery." –David Letterman
"It got a little heated at one point during the debate. McCain talked about experience and he said, 'We don't have time for on-the-job training.' Then why did you pick Sarah Palin?" --Jay Leno
"And the only really new proposal last night came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class. You know McCain, he just likes buying houses." --Jay Leno
"The second presidential debate is tonight. And beforehand, I don't know if you heard this, John McCain said, 'The gloves are coming off.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then McCain said, 'but don't worry, the diaper is staying on.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Political experts are saying that to succeed in the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she's really troubled by John McCain's choice for vice president." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday the stock market suffered its biggest one-day drop in history, falling 777 points. I’m telling you, boy, it's a good thing John McCain blew me off to go save the economy." --David Letterman
"I felt bad about this. Because we were all ready to go with John McCain and with an hour to go, he cancels. I felt bad about it. I was thinking about this, John, John, here's how it works. You don't come to see me? Well, we might not see you on Inauguration Day." --David Letterman
This doesn't smell right. This is not the way a tested hero behaves. Somebody's putting something in his Metamucil." –David Letterman, on John McCain suspending his campaign and canceling his appearance on the Late Show
"McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn't a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes." --Bill Maher
"The other financial genius, John McCain…said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher
"Can you imagine if she was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn't even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don't know who did it. They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain." –Bill Maher
"The Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, 'Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background.'" --Jay Leno
"How are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno
"The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight's Republican Convention is, 'Who is John McCain?' Tomorrow night's theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the Vice President's daughter is pregnant?'" --Conan O'Brien
"There was some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio today, where Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife." –Jon Stewart
"Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama's lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show." –Jon Stewart
"Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because hedidn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." –Jay Leno
"This isn't a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF." –Bill Maher
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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