When we have children, we do not expect to outlive them.
After all, they have the gift of youth.
It is a normal process of life.
As a child grows, the bond and love for that child is usually a natural event.
It gives us joy to watch them develop from little toddlers into teenagers and then finally they become young adults.
Sometimes life can be cruel.
A mother loses a daughter who she carried inside her body for nine months.
The daughter made it to young adulthood and then without warning she dies.
A now divorced mother receives a phone call.
It is a strange voice on the other end of the phone who is asking her if she is the mother of this child.
The mother's heart sinks and tears begin to fall.
She instinctively knows that the next words from the stranger's voice will be the worst words that she will ever hear.
Those words are that her daughter is dead.
She begs the stranger to please help her child.
Is there nothing they can do to save the daughter she loves so much? The truth sinks in.
Her daughter has been dead for at least five hours.
The stranger is trying not to be emotional, but he cannot stop some of his feelings from coming through.
Family members drive the mother to the place where her child lies lifeless.
She is stopped from seeing her.
She is told this is for her own good.
She is shaking and in tears.
She is put in a car and driven home.
The mother starts to realize it is because her daughter is going to be taken out in a body bag.
She will be brought to the morgue.
A body bag sounds like cruel words jabbing into her heart.
The mother begins to imagine the television shows that have depicted dead bodies in a drawer.
How can they put her baby in a cold drawer? She feels the urgency to hold her daughter.
She cries out to God to take her instead and let her daughter live.
This is not possible but the mother is angry that God will not make the exchange.
The mother has things to do the next day.
She must pick a coffin for her child.
She has not slept, so considerate family members drive her.
She walks in a daze and looks for a coffin with a pretty color inside.
She touches the silk and decides it is soft enough for her daughter.
The wood of the coffin is a light color.
Her daughter would not want a dark color.
The mother knows this.
She feels it.
Next, she is driven to look at headstones.
She knows what her daughter would want.
Her daughter had been to the cemetery to visit her grandfather.
She had remarked on the stones she thought were pretty.
The mother is asked for what words and engraving she would like to be used.
She knows her daughter loved roses, so roses would be nice.
The mother sits down and with her hand shaking; she writes what would be fit to put on the stone.
Days pass without much sleep and then the mother is picked up by a limousine.
Family is with her but she does not remember the ride.
She enters a room and looks into the coffin.
The color is what she had picked.
Her daughter is lying peacefully inside.
The mother places a stuffed toy that her daughter treasured into the coffin next to the daughter who looks somewhat unreal.
The mother strokes her daughter's hand and kisses her forehead.
Her tears fall on the daughter lying in the coffin.
The mother whispers to her daughter that she loves her.
The mother listens while her daughter is lying in the closed coffin and hears beautiful words about her child.
The mother has written words, as well.
Her younger daughter reads the words from the tear stained paper.
Then the coffin is carried to a Hearst.
The mother is upset that her child is alone but goes back inside the limousine.
The driver follows the Hearst to the cemetery.
The mother is ushered to a hole in the ground and words are spoken as her first born child is slowly put into the cold ground.
The next day and for many days, weeks and months, the mother sits on the cold snow and cries over a grave.
Her baby is inside.
It must be cold for her.
The mother is freezing but does not feel the cold snow.
Her only concern is that her daughter is cold inside that coffin in the ground.
One day the mother does not go to the cemetery.
She feels guilty, so she goes back the next day.
Nothing has changed except for more snow on the ground.
Her visits begin to be less frequent.
Family members keep her occupied so she will not make that trip to visit her daughter.
The mother starts to cope with everyday life.
She starts to remember to eat meals.
Her clothes have gotten too big to wear.
She buys some new ones.
She stops crying to God for forsaking her.
She prays for God's help instead.
She begins to write poems for her first born child.
She finds a release through poetry.
God is back in her life and guides her to write more.
The mother starts to feel peace within her heart.
Love of God has returned.
You entered into my life at an untimely moment I was but a child unable to comprehend All the feelings and knowledge that I needed To take you and accept you and understand you So tiny and innocent so fragile and not yet knowing The chaos of the life that you had been born into All the difficulties that would enter your world You were my small child so full of innocence You grew as life passed in front of you A child of dreams and hopes and fears That mounted and became mountains so high I know my child it became so difficult a burden That for you to bear within the depths of your soul The knowledge that came as you started to grow Your heart took in too much uncontrollable pain And so my sweet dear precious daughter You started to cope with a life so complex And found refuge and comfort in your own way For you had not the tools nor the gift of hope And my child it left you without the courage to cope You left with me your pain and your dreams Only known by me as the end came near And you stole from me the dreams that I had wished for you For life had taught me difficult lessons Only time has helped me to fully understand As I wish that I had carried all of your answers And been able to give you more of my knowledge But I understand daughter that we can try to teach But the truth of all knowledge only can be Experienced learned and taught by oneself If I could have changed your path through life I would have done it in a mere flash in this lifetime I cry still my beautiful special daughter As I stare upon the small space that you occupy I know that you lay quietly sleeping at peace And I hope and I pray that someday we will meet again And I will lie down beside you and once more have you If not in the world that gives me life and courage In the world where you lay and sleep in quiet bliss Eternity is yours sweet daughter of mine Sleep peacefully in the place that you have found Remember that your mother will once again be with you Until that times comes my daughter who I so dearly love When I can once again hold you in my arms One day that will undoubtedly come in time And until that time that will bring me to you Be at peace as I cry with a deep longing in my heart Please rest in peace dear beautiful child of mine I wrote this many years ago.
I am this mother who lost a grown daughter.
Faith in the Lord has brought me to where I am today.
The anniversary of my daughter's death will be in January.
She died January 9, 2004.
This year will be easier than last year.
I know every year will get easier.
I feel it happen.
My daughter's birthday was two days before mine in November.
That time of year is painful but it is easier to handle now than it was before.
If you lose a child, the pain never goes away but it does get easier to handle with time and faith.
A mother never forgets her child.
She looks through picture albums and cries.
The tears become less frequent.
Trust me because I do know.