Dear Lesbian Life

I'm 25 and I still don't know where I fit in with the LGBTQ scene. I just know I'm not straight. I am so worried because everyone else seems to have it figured out, and I'm here like, "Am I bi, or a lesbian?" And then my mother is nagging me because she's convinced I'm asexual! And that is confusing me even more. I definitely get turned on, but I'm kind of afraid to have sex, I guess. And I'm single. I've been single my whole life.

I'm afraid I'm never going to figure it out. I'm also scared because I am a teacher and a coach and don't want to be considered a "threat" to children and I'm scared because I get really anxious, I guess. So I sweat a lot and it is really hard to breathe when I think about this whole queer thing.

Thank you for reading. Can you help me?

Unsure Alice

 

Dear Alice,

 

Sure, I can help you. I can help you by telling you to stop worrying about putting a label on yourself and just try to focus on who you are, the unique person that is Alice—the coach, the teacher, the fun and introspective person who drives her mother batty and who worries too much.

I once heard a comedian describe what you’re going through as “pre-lesbian tension.”  All of us in the audience laughed, because we knew exactly what she was talking about. It’s a common phase almost all of us go through as we’re coming out and trying to figure out who we are. There’s a lot of pressure on you, from your mom, from the LGBT community, but mostly from yourself.

Here’s the thing Alice, you don’t need to decide. Not now, not ever.

You don’t have to decide today whether you’re bisexual or lesbian or asexual. We have a lot of initials we use in gay community and one of them is LGBTQ. The Q can stand for Queer or it can stand for Questioning. We welcome people who are questioning. But you can choose to be a part of the community or not. You can choose one of the letters in the LGBTQ alphabet or not. I don't want you to deny who you are, but I don't want you to force yourself into a box - or an initial- if you don't fit there.

LGBT Teachers

And one more thing, Alice. If you are lesbian, bisexual or asexual-- unless you teach at a religious school that strictly forbids LGBT people from teaching and coaching--you probably don’t have to worry about your sexual orientation affecting your teaching career. Check out the Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network: GLSEN for information and resources for LGBT teachers and educators.

Alice if this uncertainty is causing you so much stress that it’s causing you to sweat and lose sleep, then I’d recommend that you talk to a therapist to help you sort through your feelings.