Some eight years ago I was diagnosed as suffering from clinical depression.
This came following thirty years of life experience during which I got married and divorced three times, one marriage saw me placed into a shelter for battered wives, I moved house twenty times (I kid you not!) and found myself penniless, jobless and homeless following whistle blowing whilst working for a care concern service provider.
At the time of the diagnosis it served to ensure that my basic needs like financial support and housing were provided, but not until I could prove I was homeless and penniless.
With wisdom and hindsight it amazes me how I survived these twenty years especially during times when it appeared I had little support.
The times when I felt I did not receive the support and help I wanted and needed from family and friends I see that actually no-one really knew the hell I was experiencing because the shame of what I felt was too much to admit to anyone.
This was before I relegated my ego to its proper place.
Fortunately and very timely I had a major breakthrough, that some would regard as a breakdown, it was during this that I was able to see how I had sustained a very long period of stress that saw me with little domestic or financial security and no consistent supportive relationships.
During my wild swings from brave heroine to helpless victim with a few glimpses into models of martyrdom and "poor me" my relatives and close friends must have become quite confused not really knowing who or what I was.
It was a deeply disturbing time for everyone but one that thankfully I have emerged from, dare I say stronger and wiser and healed? What is it that causes some people to fall and fold at the first sign of adversity and others to remain stoic and strong in the midst of overwhelming odds? Is it faith, support from others in a caring community, or blindness to one's own predicament? Weakness or Strength? Ignorance or Soul Knowledge? With hindsight and wisdom I see clearly now how long I sustained a façade.
Not being quite real or authentic.
Maybe the horror of what I had experienced during early childhood followed by the often traumatic experiences as an adult caused a shutting down of major parts of my psyche.
Only as I grew stronger was I able to open the doors and see the full spectre of the child who refused to play the game of pretence anymore.
I wanted to change the world but I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.
- Aldous Huxley.